What's wrong with me? 18F

every time i begin to do something that is going to benefit me or that i know i will enjoy i feel intense dread and anxiety. its like everytime im on the brink of success something inside me does all that it can to stop me from doing so and i know that its purpose is to leave me so miserable that i have no choice but to k*ll myself but i genuinely do not want to die. i dont know if this will make sense to anyone else but it isn't me that's su*c*dal, its like my subconscious or something is pushing me to try and convince my conscious self that im not deserving of happiness or life and i've been on this path ever since i was groomed as a child.

when i was like 7 i felt like nobody in my life loved me and all i had was my online groomer(s) that cared about me. this left me feeling depressed and suicidal all the time until i eventually just locked away all of my emotions to cope. i never really felt anything for years after that, it wasn't good or bad, it was just existence and i feel like i was fine like that until i told one of my friends i felt like an emotionless cloud just floating through life and realized that i was not normal at all based on how they reacted. there were also times when i felt confused at not really feeling happy about things that should make me happy or not caring much about things that should have made me sad so i figured life would be more interesting if i made an effort to start feeling emotions again. i did feel happy or sad at times i think but never any strong emotions and thats what allowed me to get good grades in elementary and junior high school.

in highschool i started to really feel things and it was overwhelming at first but once i started i couldn't really go back but it was easy to manage school then, usually i would just turn things in late but im pretty great at school so it would just be a few points off of a 100% work or the teacher wouldn't take the late points off because of the quality of work that i would turn in but now that im in college its beginning to negatively effect my gpa because professors aren't as prone to accepting late work at all or the penalties are much worse. i really want to know whats wrong with me so i can fix it because i want to succeed but everytime i start to i feel a painful anxiety welling up in my chest. sometimes after something good happens, or if i have a good day, whenever i get home i cry because it feels like somehow my happiness is actually saddness? it doesn't make any sense.

I once googled my symptoms and kind of concluded that im addicted to saddness and i tried to brute force my way out of the "addiction" by doing everything i could to stay happy (i drank more water, ate more regularly, adhered to my self care routine better, and brute forced my way through the anxiety to get work done on time) and not give in to self sabotage and it worked for a while but im writing this because it has ultimately failed and the anxiety is back. i considered talking to a therapist but im afraid they would send me to a psych ward if im diagnosed with bipolar or something and then my college career would really be over but sometimes i dont know how much longer i'll be able to hold it together before i actually hurt myself.

i dont want to flunk out of college because at that point i would genuinely feel like i have no purpose in life, ive met the love of my life and im a CS major and i need my degree to pursue my dream job so failing and having to go back home (my boyfriend lives in a different state) is the absolute worst thing that could happen to me and whatever the hell part of me thats trying to get me to fail knows this. it feels like im in a constant war with myself and im so desperate to win.

TL;DR

happiness = saddness but i dont want to be sad