Sensitive Topic—miscarriage

Please only read if you know you’re able to handle, I don’t want to upset anyone but I wanted to put this out there. Just to explain what happened to me, to write it and release it in the way I typically journal stuff, and for anyone who saw I had posted I was pregnant to know that I’m not…. This is a long post, please don’t feel like you have to read it all…

On 03/03/2022 while at work I had noticed cramping and spotting but it was very light spotting and the cramps weren’t bad at all.

On 03/04/2022 the cramps were still there and a little more noticeable, the spotting hadn’t gotten worse, but was still there and had gone from a light brown/pink color to a bright red… I questioned if that should be happening, and was told it was likely normal as long as it didn’t get worse. My fiancé and I had planned to meet his parents down at the beach once I got off work to spend the weekend. We got to the campsite at around 11:55pm, I had noticed the cramping getting worse on the ride down, but thought it was due to the car ride. We got ready for bed and I told him about the cramps and bleeding.. But still just let it be…

The next morning, 03/05/2022, we all got up to go eat breakfast, it was while standing in line I felt what I best described as feeling like my period had started and the cramps got even worse. After we were all done I had gone to the bathroom, realized how bad it actually was and called for him to come back to the bathroom. I explained that it was a lot worse, and I was pretty sure I knew what was happening, I needed to call the OBGYN and make sure of what to do as far as- go to the nearest urgent care or ER. We got back to the camper, I called and I was right, they said to find and ER, that the cramping and bleeding was not normal. I got to the ER around 12:30pm and actually checked in around 1:00pm. Everyone was very kind and understanding, once I was checked in things moved pretty fast. They took a blood sample and urine sample and then let me know that they didn’t have an ultrasound tech there on weekends so I would have to be transferred to their bigger hospital. They got me into a room while they ran blood/urine samples. The only thing they came back in to tell me at this hospital was that I had a UTI, and transport would be there soon to move me. They wanted to do an ultrasound to confirm where the pregnancy was- make sure it wasn’t an ectopic pregnancy.

I got to the other hospital around 3:25pm where they said they would be able to get the results of my samples. The dr I had came in to explain the different possibilities of my situation, it could all be okay, I could have something wrong with my uterus to be causing the bleeding, where I’ve had ovarian cysts that could be causing the pain and bleeding, it could be an ectopic pregnancy, or as the last thing they wanted to consider I could be having a miscarriage. They ultrasound tech came and got me, my fiancé had to stay back in the room. She said we would try to get an ultrasound from above to see if that was good enough and we may have to do and internal ultrasound for better images and being able to measure. She asked me questions about my periods being regular, how far along I was, and when I took the pregnancy tests… I kept feeling like something wasn’t right with those questions, when she went to tell me we were going to be doing an internal one, she mentioned being able to better see and measure “the sac she was looking for”… my brain automatically flipped and I questioned to myself, what if there isn’t one, what if it’s gone…” she finished and told me she’d send the images to the person who looks at them to give results and then they would come back to my room and talk to me about the results.

Around 5:00pm the dr came back in, sat down, and started to talk about the ultrasound… I felt everything in me start sinking right off and as he said “the ultrasound showed no gestational sac” I knew what was going on… He proceeded to explain they couldn’t find the sac, and that my blood work showed my beta HCG level was at 14… He explained that the bleeding and cramping was a miscarriage- why it may have been happening- assured me it wasn’t my fault- and told me there’s still no reason to worry just yet about having a healthy pregnancy later, he knew that’s not what I wanted to hear right then, but that they weren’t concerned yet about fertility issues or anything. I have to follow up this morning with the OBGYN I had my appointment scheduled on 03/14/2022 for, to make sure the level is lower than 14.

I feel broken, shattered, angry, sad, and at the same time all I feel is numb. His family still wanted to have the beach trip we planned, I just wanted to go home.. But my fiancé and I stayed.. we all went out for dinner, went to the pool back at the campground, and then went out for icecream. We got up Sunday morning to leave and head back home. I’m still cramping, still bleeding which they said would happen. But I hate it, I just want it all to stop. I know my fiancé has been upset, and I’m sure we’ll talk about it on the way home since we haven’t been able to here really or even fully process. I go in and out of spacing out and being here. And I’ve only half paid attention to anything since the hospital.