Are “time outs” bad for disciplining?

Question

I’m at loss with my 5yo… the books I read on respectful parenting from Magda Gerber and Janet Lansbury tells me not to do time out… but I honestly dont know how to discipline the yelling, the lack of respect, screaming for things, being straight up rude etc 
We don’t believe in spanking so Im trying to find a solution but not every book works for every family. Not all kids are the same and my son is VERY dramatic and strong willed. 
Any tips appreciated… 
Im just tired of these books making it seem like its so simple. I cry daily trying to discipline my kid because Im so sad I feel like we have no progress. 
Today my husband and I decided to do a “chair time out” for 4 minutes (my son will be 5 in may) and see if that helps. I honestly feel hopeless…

Answer

Bad behavior results in bad consequences. I see no reason why children shouldn’t learn that.

Answer

You should try the book the explosive child! Not only does it explain how to talk to your child in order to get to the cause of the behavior but it also teaches you how to work together on the solution, not punishment

Answer

Our pediatrician has studied child behavior extensively (one of the many reasons we love him) and what he told me is that time out in and of itself is not harmful to children. The way it becomes harmful is when people utilize it wrong. Time out “officially” started in the 1950s as a recognized disciplinary technique, and it was originally called “time-out from positive reinforcement”.
I have a lot of information from our pediatrician I can share. Essentially, the positive reinforcement approach is that time out is the concept of briefly removing the child from an environment that is reinforcing the bad behavior and placing them in a non-reinforcing setting. He also said it’s less about setting an exact “time limit” for time out and more about there being a moment of calm before ending time out. You don’t want to end time out when your child is still throwing a tantrum, and you also don’t want to make them sit there for an extra 3 minutes if they calmed down after 1 just because their time out time is 4 minutes. Consistency is key, as is a warning and then following through every. Single. Time. Another VERY crucial thing to remember is to communicate to them that time out isn’t a “punishment”. It’s not about isolation. It’s simply taking a break from the environment they’re in and acting out to try and start over - kind of like hitting the restart button on your computer or phone. And that being said, you have to be mindful of your tone while using time outs. Being harsh, raising your voice, or making your child feel isolated from time out causes relational pain, which has been proven using brain scans to activate the same areas of the brain that are activated from physical pain. So being harsh or making her feel isolated activates the same parts of her brain as if you spanked her.
I’d be happy to share more - we were given a lot of great advice on how to implement time outs in a healthy way and it has worked great for us.

Answer

We've done time outs in the room with us. I think the issue is that when theyre that young theyre usually acting out for a reason (overly tired, upset about something, pushing limits etc) and isolating them eg making them go to their room or sit by themselves alone teaches them to isolate and turn inward to cope with big feelings. Then they grow to preteens/teens and instead of reaching out and talking, they turn inward because thats what they learned when they were so young. But I feel like theres a way to do it, eg in the room with you to calm down, followed by being emotionally attentive and not rejecting. We take screen time away when theyre that age. But if your child is acting out in anger and being nasty...why? Sometimes it can be something at school but youre the safe person, so they act out towards you.

Answer

My 3 year old daughter is like that and it's so hard! I often cry and feel helpless too. I wish I had a solution but I don't. But you aren't alone.

Answer

I only do timeouts as my last resort. And I don’t really put a time on it. I put my kid in the timeout spot and tell him to stay there until he can stop doing whatever and talk nicely to solve his problem. It usually lasts 30 seconds and he comes running crying “I nice, I nice.” He’s my 2nd and it works for us. He’s only 2 years old though. I haven’t had to use timeouts with my first in at least a year, she’s 5 now, and has gotten pretty good at taking herself to a quiet place to calm down then she comes back and we talk.

Answer

Yeah time outs just shame kids. Talking about feelings and how their actions effect others is more effective and causes a lot less abuse.

Answer

Look up “big little feelings” and if you have TikTok, I have found a lot of good content there as far as parenting.

Answer

I don’t think it’s bad. It’s so weird now and days how disciplining is frowned upon. I come from a Mexican background and we got the belt and chancla and I turned out ok. LOL! You do what you think is best. Don’t let other make you feel terrible.

Answer

My oldest was a lot like this. We don't spank either, we ended up seeking help because he had other issues that led to an ADHD diagnosis. Anyway his psychologist suggested rewarding him for good behavior over disciplining for bad. We had a chart that the increments increased as time went on. But it was a pizza chart and if he made an hour of good behavior he got to fill in a triangle of the pizza and when it was full he got a small prize. Depends on what makes your kid tick. Mine loved matchbox cars or mini milkshakes. We also ignored some of the bad behavior because it seemed that he was using it as a way to get attention.

Are “time outs” bad for disciplining?

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