I have issues… I had a really rough childhood and because of that I have trust issues and abandonment issues. My childhood caused me to develop BPD. (Borderline personality disorder). So I really go to war with myself everyday and I think I do a damn good job considering everything I’ve been though and go through. My real issue here is well…. I’ll summarize it the best I can. I was in the most amazing relationship I could of ever wanted. Unfortunately after the “happily ever after” wedding day my life did a complete 180… I’ve been married 6 years and I have two amazing baby girls. Like I said though my life WAS perfect. Until my brother was murdered .. to add on top of that a month to the day later my husbands sister became sick and passed away too. She was also my best friend… without getting into the disturbing details of both deaths im just gonna say we broke. In every way you can think of him and I broke. The only thing Is though… when my brother died… he was awful to me… my husband didn’t come home from work the night of my brothers candle light visual. I had to find a ride last minute and I live an hour from the city so that was not easy. My husbands sister (the one who passed) finally found him drinking with a friend and made him come to the visual. Then he got blackout drunk the night before my brothers funeral I had to call someone to come get him before he went to jail for acting like an idiot. so he didn’t come to my brothers funeral either .. then after all that a few days later I asked to go with a friend to the zoo to get my mind off everything and he told me to get over my brothers death already. I felt so alone… I couldn’t believe this is how he was treating me… I was crushed.. then when his sister died I did my best to do everything and anything to help his family and let me tell you the things I had to do changed me psychologically.. I will never get over it… and I did it all because I love them and him but he didn’t care he started treating me like shit even more and more constant too.. he left to her funeral without me my dad came and got me I had to read during her funeral and I fainted , but when I woke up he didn’t even so much as make sure I was good. I was surrounded by strangers it was awful. I tell you all this so you can understand this is the point my life went down hill… basically from there the way he treated me got worse and worse and is still not good. He’s become abusive mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’ve stayed this whole time just hoping he’d snap and change. Because it’s not bad all the time but there sure is a lot more bad days then good. I just don’t see why it’s so hard for me to let go.. why am I so scared ?? but I know he’ll never change and I have no other choice but to leave if I ever want to be happy... I don’t deserve this at all.. I feel if I leave he’ll fall apart completely and I feel responsible for that .. like if he just gives up and goes back to his party life style my kids will loose their dad and I feel like it’ll be my fault … I have no support from anyone .. my family thinks. I need to stay and suck it up because “we’re married and have kids and that’s the wife’s job to keep him happy. he put a roof over my head I should be thankful.” To that I am thankful but I’m not a doormat either … why do I need to compromise my happiness and safety and everything else for him ? When he can’t even treat me like a human being let a alone his wife… my kids don’t need to see me like this everyday they deserve better. I would of left a long time ago I think honestly if I had a job. Because of where we live it’s cheaper for me to stay home and raise my kids instead of paying for child care and there’s no where to get a job here I would have to drive a hour into the city everyday to work which is impossible because one I need a reliable car and two there’s no one to put my kids on and get them off the bus. I recently started school and I’m proud of myself .. but my husband is pissed and trying to do everything he can to make it hard for me, he wants me to fail or get dropped I don’t understand it.. and I think it’s because he knows if I get a job I’m leaving… I know this was a long rant and it’s probably hard to understand I just needed a place to vent a little bit before I bottle anymore up because I swear I’m gonna explode soon. I feel crazy and so misunderstood I don’t have anyone to turn to for advice or just to talk .. so thanks in advance if you read this and leave any comments or even if you don’t thanks still…