Preface

Im just looking for advice to move forward and how to cope and find the strength to let go.

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years on and off. When I first met him it was beautiful we had such a strong bond together than we even went through quarantine when the world shut down together and we fell deep in love. We connected on every level spending time with each other. Until I eventually had a gut instinct it was too good too be true. It was. About a year into the relationship and I find out he was cheating on me. So I left. I wasn’t hurt I just moved on. At the time it was summer so I was happy and single. Than 2021 came and we got back together. Things were good. We decided we wanted a family together and tried for a baby. We were successful three times. But all three times I miscarried my babies around 8-11 weeks. It was awful. He was so torn he didn’t know how to cope properly and neither did I but I had to be stronger for him. Eventually he started cheating on me again and got very emotionally abusive towards me. The last two times I was pregnant I walked in on him when he had a woman over. And he escorted me out and told me to go to my moms bc it was “his house”. I wound up breaking up with him and than getting back together on and Off for months he would gaslight me into thinking everything I brought up I was crazy when I was actually just seeing the truth and would tell him what I found in his phone or I knew he was cheating blah blah… it’s now 2022 we got back together in February. We’ve been trying to conceive again and I thought it was too soon. He told me another girl was 4 months pregnant and my heart sunk. I am so lost for words and depressed. I got my period in the beginning of March and I just found out a couple days ago that she was pregnant. We had sex on my fertile days and I’m just so sad like idk what will happen I was hopeful he would’ve changed and became a better person but he’s not. He’s a narcissist. I can go on and on and on about the things he says to me when he’s angry or how he acts towards my friends or even his own family and friends. I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself and hurting myself constantly going back to him and wanting a life with him knowing deep down he’ll never change and it will never work. He told me the rooted reason for his cheating is he has a sec addiction problem and this was just so out of left field. Idk I feel like everything is just an excuse and it never ends with him. He’ll never be able to be happy with just me and it hurts to leave. Idk if I’m pregnant or what’s going on and I stress day by day I can’t believe I did this to myself again knowing who he is. I feel pathetic.