9 weeks 6 days was all we had together…

Words cannot describe how broken I feel. I lost my rainbow baby. This is my third pregnancy and second loss. (The first miscarriage was in June 2021 at 6 weeks, I wasn’t able to get an ultrasound since it was an early loss- but the pain of losing this baby was breaking me.)

I was able to see this rainbow baby via ultrasound, I got pictures, I saw the heart beat… I don’t understand what happened, why did I lose another baby.

It hurts so much to feel this way, to still feel the cramps and see all the blood. I get two breathes in and a smile before it all comes back to me and I get this pressure in my chest and then cry until I can’t breathe. I lost my baby. It hurts so much to type it, to read it, to say it or think it. But that’s the reality and I can’t deal with this reality. The reality of it all and the exact details of this miscarriage has left me traumatized.

I can’t be around anyone outside my home. I don’t want to be around other people right now. I can’t even think of my in laws without feeling like they blame me for both miscarriages. I can’t be around my siblings because I can’t bear the looks and feeling like they pity me. I don’t want folks to feel bad for me… I just want my baby back. I know that’s not possible.

And while I am in this soul shattering pain I don’t want to burden anyone with my crying. I’d rather be alone.

I know that I am not okay. I cry at all times of the day. It’s all still ongoing. I am still bleeding as I’m typing this since I am technically still miscarrying. My body hurts, my heart hurts, my soul hurts… there is no part of me right now that doesn’t feel pain.

If you have ever experienced this, or If you are currently going through this, I am so sorry. I know this doesn’t make it any better but know that you are not alone.

JUST REMEMBER:

We did EVERYTHING we could but this was out of our control. If we could have stopped it or prevented it, it would never happen in the first place. This does not define us. We are broken or faulty, we don’t know and probably will never understand why this happened, all we know is that it has left us heartbroken.

I am days into my miscarriage and I am struggling bad. The only thing holding my head above water is my little girl who needs me. Her little hands holding my face as our noses meet… she is keeping me afloat.