Let me start off by saying that I battled with bipolar disorder (though I personally think I was misdiagnosed and have borderline personality disorder instead), depression and anxiety before I became pregnant, really since I was a teenager. The anxiety got really bad during pregnancy, but it manifested as mood swings with irritability for the most part, and I battled a little bit with occasional general depression.

I had a c-section on Tuesday. It wasn't planned. Little Coraline moved a lot during my pregnancy, turning breech after being head down and then turning the correct way again. Also just generally active a lot and kicking in different directions a lot. I also had pre-existing type 2 diabetes, so I was induced at 39 weeks. Unfortunately, as soon as contractions started, Coraline's heart rate kept dropping and staying there for a few moments with each one, and I wasn't even feeling them yet. My doctor checked my cervix and I wasn't dilated at all. Because of this, they stopped the contractions (her heart rate stabilized after that and remained strong) and opted for an immediate c-section. Once he got in there, my doctor found out that Cora's umbilical cord was wrapped around her. She was delivered happy and healthy at 9:43pm. 5 lbs 12 oz, 18.5 inches long. All her tests have come back normal, she's the calmest, quietest little angel I've ever seen (even typically being completely chill during shots and blood sugar checks, only really crying when hungry, not being held for too long, and when her feet are messed with 😆), and her eating and diapers are completely normal. A totally healthy, strong little thing.

In the hospital, I felt pretty normal emotionally. So when the nurse was going over postpartum care with me before I was discharged and mentioned baby blues, I figured that if I got it, it wouldn't feel any differently than I had already been feeling, so I wasn't worried about it. But it feels like, soon after I got home, everything started making me cry. I love my daughter and I love taking care of her. Her being here doesn't make me sad or anxious. She's a joy and an angel and my favorite moments have been spending time with her. But I'm constantly checking on her because she sleeps so soundlessly, I'm always worried about whether she's too cold because our apartment's heating isn't great, or worried she's too hot because I might have wrapped her up in too many layers. I'm paranoid about her health and safety and am doing everything I can to make sure she's okay.

But I'm constantly worried that I'm not a good enough mom, or blaming myself because she's so little, or worried about how I'm coming off to others. Today we had to run a few errands, and it's been in the high eighties today, so we naturally had the AC on in the car, and one of her socks fell off. My boyfriend mentioned that her foot felt a little cold, and I started bawling because I felt like a bad mom for letting her get cold and getting worried that she was going to get sick because of my negligence. Then my boyfriend sounded a bit annoyed when I asked something of him, and that made me bawl, too. I was worried about upsetting him. He mentioned that when he's at work he wants someone around to help me since I'm still healing from surgery, and I took it as him thinking I'm not able to take care of my daughter on my own and that sent me into an even bigger fit of tears. And that's just three examples of quite a few times I've been in tears just today.

I rationally know that I'm probably feeling the baby blues. That's what's making me extra emotional. I've talked to him about it and he's super supportive and has given me tons of hugs and kisses and cuddles. He constantly tells me how good of a mom I am and tells me sweet, encouraging things constantly. And then I start crying because I feel bad that I'm being overly emotional and causing him more stress.

Does this all sound normal? Any tips or advice that anyone could give me would be greatly appreciated. 💖