I’ve watched a few videos over the course of the week in order to prepare myself. Spoke to a few women who experienced this and just decided to wait it out. Over the course of 5 days I was seeing blood/brown mucus. But not much. Not much pain either. I thought something was wrong with me because everyone else said it was so painful. My emotions were all over the place. Some days I was okay. Some days I was sad but overall I was fine. Or at least I thought so. Friday, April 8th was the day. I had purchased the medication the day before but was going back and forth in my mind on whether or not I should take it. I didn’t. Friday, I will never forget this day. I was hanging out with my husband in our garage. Relaxing. Just enjoying each other’s company. I started getting intense cramps. So I told him I was going to go to go lay down. I got a heating bag, and just went to lay down. It started getting more and more painful. The cramps. Contractions. I started bleeding more. I was filling up an overnight pad in what felt like seconds so I knew it was time. I sat on the toilet for a few hours and passed the biggest clots. The pain became so immense I was crouching. I passed the pregnancy sac. It kind felt like I was laying eggs. It was huge plop and then it was over. I wanted to see what was in the sac. My husband said I shouldn’t look but I couldn’t bare not knowing. I looked. I saw the baby. I saw it’s eyes. The umbilical cord. It was floating around in there. I didn’t want to flush it. I wanted to maybe throw it in the garbage or bury it somewhere but my husband was like I think you should just flush it. We said a quick prayer, my husband closed the toilet and I flushed it then I instantly regretted it. But I knew it was the best decision for us. My husband has been great, he’s been super supportive the entire time but I still feel like he will never understand what I went through. Im so broken. I couldn’t believe it. The doctors told me this was like a heavy period (BS!) and my baby was only 2.3 cm so I wouldn’t see it. But he lied. I saw it. My husband saw it. I went in the shower and the blood continued to run out of me. I cried in the shower. Hollered. It was so sad. My inlaws heard it. I’m sure miles down the road you could hear it. The bleeding was non stop. Non fricking stop. I barely got out of the house this weekend because I’m going through pads, pants and underwear. I’m currently wearing an underwear, the hospital shorts they give you after giving birth and an overnight pad, sometimes two fused together to make it ultra longer to cover up my entire area from the front to the back. I went into work today (Sunday) to distract my mind and at first I felt woozy from the blood loss. I haven’t had much of an appetite either. I came home and more long painful clots are coming out of me. I had to pull it out and it hurt. Doctors don’t give you the depth of the emotional and physical effects this will have on you. I feel like this was one of the most traumatic things I’ve ever been through. I’m in a really bad place right now. Some days I’m just okay but some days I just can’t. I want to cry as I’m typing this. I can’t believe it. I lost my baby. I feel guilty and I feel hurt and broken. Having babies for me is so easy. I usually never have this much pain. This was actually more painful than child birth and not just because I don’t have my child here with me. The physical pain, the bleeding, the blood loss. I’m sorry if I’m rambling but I’m just so confused and hurt. Ladies if you need someone to talk to or have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask. I’m going through this right now as I type. I keep getting baby updates in my email and want to cry. I deleted all my apps. I don’t want to freak anyone out so if you want to see pictures. I will post them. But only if someone ask.