How to deal with someone that uses your past against you?

So my sister recently expressed to one of my little brothers that she doesn’t trust me, that I’m disloyal, and that I will never change. Her reasons for saying these things is because of what I wrote in my diary and what I vented to the wife of my sexual assaulter last year before things unraveled.

1. So, when I was 15 I decided to write diary entries, I was severely depressed, had no one to talk to because no matter the trauma, we were supposed to keep it a secret, we were supposed to deal with it. Ever since I was little I’ve always been depressed, I felt like I was an outcast in my family because I felt as if I was treated differently than everyone else, my younger siblings didn’t respect me, my mother and I had a really rough relationship, since a little girl I would always have nightmares of her which was a result of my constant anxiety. Going into my teenage years, the only thing that could keep me calm, where I felt safe, was my diary. One day my mom read it. I was extremely upset, her seeing me upset threatened to tell everyone what I wrote. She did end up telling my sister and also told her that I spoke badly about everyone in my diary. Firstly, I wrote about my experiences. Non of what I said were written out of hatred or in a disgusting manner, I especially didn’t write negatively about my little brothers, only wishing that they would respect me more. It was MY diary. It’s not like I wrote lies, everything I wrote was about what I was dealing with and dealt with, I wrote about the abuse I endured for year’s, the day I would commit suicide, how I felt lonely, sometimes how I thought it would be better if I were in a different family, the beginning of my sexual addiction. After prayer, the next day my mom brought the Bible out and told me why it was a sin to masturbate. In the past I tried on so many occasions to talk to my mom about what I went through but every time she would either gaslight me, make it my fault, or pretend it never happened. So I decided to let it go and move forward. For my mental health. My mom has come a long way since, even though she doesn’t own up to the past, she’s a better version of herself now than she was back then.

2. When I was 19 I was babysitting for my cousin, whenever I would come over to babysit I confided in her to vent about my life, I didn’t tell her EVERYTHING, but some of the things I went through with my little siblings, etc. It felt so liberating talking to someone about built up trauma, all these years I’ve been told to “Keep things in the family”, she was so supportive being there to listen, clearly that was a mistake. One day her husband physically expresses that he lacked the ability to comprehend consent and violates my body. When news got to his wife (My cousin) of course I was to blame, for a grown man not knowing the definition of “No”. Anyways, she tells my mom everything I vented to her. Even added a little dazzle claiming that I told her my mom was a bad mother. I would never say that but I don’t think my mom or sister believes me. My sister was there while my mom was on the phone with her so she heard everything. My whole life I’ve been conditioned to not talk about anything going on within the family, doesn’t matter if I’m suicidal or depressed. I’m just supposed to suck it up and deal with it, leave it in “God’s hands”. So when I confided in my cousin I never thought she would take the side of her husband whilst telling my mom what I vented to her about .

So, I am now 20yrs, I have come a long way emotionally, mentally, physically. Last year I didn’t think I would make it, but I’m here. I’m in a better space, better mindset, I’ve unlearned many behaviors, Everyday I try to become a better me. The old me would never in a million years think I would turn into the me today. But my sister only chooses to see the broken me, apparently venting to someone about my life is in her words “Disloyal” a “Betrayal”, she says she can never trust me again. When we’re in the car she would say things like “Family can be snakes” “Sometimes strangers can be better families than your own”. I’m so confused because what have I done that actually impacted her life In a negative manner. Whenever we stop speaking to each other or whenever she would be upset at me refusing to deal with the way she treats me, she brings up my past, she says she still holds a grudge over what I wrote in my diary when I was 15, and what I vented to my cousin. She even said that my trauma isn’t an excuse to vent. Even after her constant disrespect, her using my past against me, no one is going to mess up my process. I’ve grown and have survived so much, and I know in my heart that I’m being the best person I can be. Everyday I learn new ways to improve my character. If she chooses to see me for my past mistakes, for how I felt in my diary 5 year’s ago, or for trusting someone enough to vent to, that’s fine. I’m not angry, just disappointed. The fact that out of the whole sexual assault situation, me venting bothered her the most. It is what it is though. I feel a little alone and isolated again, like I did when I was little, like nothing I do is enough, that my mistakes will always follow me or be brought up to describe the person I am today, but I’m going to keep working on myself because I don’t have to prove my character to anyone. At the end of the day I know who I am.