Are you feeling the same? Deseparate for some validation

I’m currently a SAHM and I’m absolutely miserable. I have a 5,3, and almost 2 year old. I am so burnt out. I constantly think about how much I dislike being around my children. I try SO hard to be a positive and gentle parent. I give it my everything. But my children still bicker ALL day no matter what. If we’re at home, if we’re at a playground, if we’re in a walk. It doesn’t matter. I model, coach, encourage and it’s constant fighting, back talk, and telling me no. I literally feel like I’m talking to myself all the time. I’ve read so many books and articles and everyone assures me this is just life with young kids. And I’m just miserable. I go back to work in the fall and I can’t wait. I feel guilty for disliking this so much but it’s literally a sweet moment for 3 minutes and then complete chaos the next. I also hate to say this but my middle child seems to be the ringleader. When he is not around (which isn’t often) everything is fine. No fighting, no bickering, so screaming. I know I need help and therapy but unfortunately we don’t have the means for either. And on top of this my husband travels all the time. Home for 2 weeks and then gone for 1.5. I’m just so sad all the time. I didn’t think motherhood would be this frustrating and disheartening. Right now I just need to know I’m not alone. Please only positive comments only, I already feel bad enough.