Secondary infertility deep thoughts

I got to do some deep thinking on secondary infertility today…one of the reasons why we started ttc for our third was bc we didn’t feel “done”. We had seen how quick and absolutely precious the little years were with our two kids, we desired to add to that. Who would say no to more love, giggles, and cuddles?! Obviously since I am in this group, that third child never came through.

Now I am a lot older than when we started this journey, I have dealt and still am dealing with a lot of life changes, my kids are a lot older, as a result life is a whole lot busier, but as insane as I feel it sounds, I still feel someone missing. At 38, my super ridiculously busy, tired ass is still not done. Some days I think I am crazy for still even thinking about this at my age, and with all I have on my plate.

I am now intimidated from trying at least one more time. Something about my age, my kids’ ages, our much more hectic life….makes me feel like this potential baby could have fit when we were first trying, but now it’s a little scarier. I wake up each and every day like one of my kids is missing, when we go out as a family, I wish this third child was there growing with my kids. I have lost some of myself with the lack of this child.

The fact is, I never got to have that “I am done, all my kids are here” feeling. I hear this from so many mothers, how they just knew when they were done, complete. What a giant blessing that is. It must feel incredible. So, I wonder if this will just be my life til my last breath, never having had that complete feeling. Sounds like torture.

I consider myself to be a spiritual free thinker. I would imagine that if a third child was never meant to come into our lives, I would have never even thought of or considered expanding my family. Or is it that sometimes God puts these babies in our hearts more so for us to learn and grow from,

not to have them physically?

Lastly, I send everyone going thru this very difficult journey hugs. It doesn’t matter if you are going through the difficulty of conceiving your second, third, fourth etc. It’s still a sad journey no matter what child you are having difficulty conceiving. A broken heart is a broken heart. The feeling of lack in a mother’s heart is non negotiable. It’s valid no matter what.

Just wanted to share my thoughts, and pour my heart, especially in light of Mother’s day coming up. My love to all the warrior moms in here❤️❤️