Am I the problem? Literally feeling like the worst human being

Question

A tinder date. Turned into a relationship. Not a bad thing, he’s a great guy. I knew he had just gotten out of a relationship with an alcoholic, functional coacaine addict. They have a daughter, I’ve been in the picture since she was 8 months old. She knows me, and loves me as her Sophie. Fast forward, she is 3, almost four. Since we have moved in together, I am with her about 70% of the time. She visits grandma and grandpa for a few hours of the day, on separate days; they are divorced.(don’t get me started on grandpa)! She’s fine with me, no whining or tantrums that last for more than a few minutes. 
I’ve been asking dad to help me set boundaries. I AM NOT HER BOI MOTHER. I do all this in consideration of father and mother. I don’t want to cross any boundaries. Or make anyone uncomfortable. But I will not allow her to run all over me to get what she wants, she understands without me having to spank or do any time outs. She knows her dad will cave, AND I AM SO FUCKING OVER IT! 
I feel like all this asking and talking is not doing anything to change this. WHENEVER HE IS HOME, she’s crying over broken toast. He is not able to change his work schedule to be with her more, I love being with her. But she needs her dad, I get it.     HOW TF do I get through this man to help me out, when she literally is crying over nothing. He baby talks her. And that’s it. No firm, gentle reminder… like hey we don’t do that if we wanna stay here. 
Fuck, fuck, fuck! I feel like an asshole for even feeling like this! But am doing my best being a step-parent without her father. I am losing my shit. Almost at a point, I DONT WANT TO BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP! I don’t have actually, literal, verbal, physical help with her. 
I always have to be the bad guy! NO THIS, not that, BE CAREFUL… SOPHIE IS MEAN!! I get it, SHES THREE/FOUR. It hurts, after trying to love another’s child after CARRYING your own for SIX MONTHS AND NOT BAING ABLE TO TAKE HER HOME.
I have so much love for the step parents!!!! I don’t know how y’all do it. May god bless you all. 
I feel like a failure.

Answer

My daughter is 3 & she does this with my husband because he works a lot and doesn’t get to be with her like I do so he caves in alotttttttt, she knows if I say no it means no but if he says no she can whine a little and he will probably say yes. For me it doesn’t really bother me bc our daughter doesn’t do it in public it’s only at home & I feel like if he wants to spoil her at home & she isn’t throwing fits in public then that’s what works best for them. I feel like when parents barely get to see the kids they don’t want to be the bad guy at all which is understandable but there does have to be a line so you don’t raise an entitled child who won’t take no for an answer. You just have to look at this & say okay this is how he parents & do I want to continue to raise his child like this & potentially your own kids or would it be better to cut ties since he will be raising her for the next 18+ years

Answer

You are not her mother and are doing the best you can without crossing boundaries. Kudos to you for trying to be there when her father can’t. All in all, this is a conversation you should have with him. And if it doesn’t get better than you are well within your right to say you don’t want to be around the child alone since she is not yours. Granted, this might affect your relationship with him but at least said in boundaries for yourself so you’re not looking like an asshole￼. Also, this is coming from someone who doesn’t have kids, doesn’t want any right now, and doesn’t want to date anyone with kids. Those with children may be able to give￼ better advice.

Answer

You’re doing great. Don’t sell yourself short. Parenting is hard enough, nevermind when you are trying to be respectful of other parents wishes. Kudos to you.
I have no advice. I haven’t been in this situation. I just wanted to tell you that one day she will realize how lucky she is to have you as a bonus parent

Am I the problem? Literally feeling like the worst human being

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