Beyond heartbroken

It’s 1:22 a.m and my baby shower is at 5pm. I’m crying while typing all this… I been crying for over 2 hours. I’m 38 weeks pregnant today and all I’m hoping is to die. I just want to be held. I wanted to be hugged. I want to be heard. I want to be loved. I guess I should know better and be used to the fact that I have an extremely emotionally abusive and sometimes physically abusive partner of 11 years. Just when I wanted to really leave him I found out my son was on his way. Tonight he got mad that he cleaned his car and that when I got off the car I accidentally left fingerprints on his newly waxed car and he didn’t even want to eat the food he had just got from the drive thru. He proceeded to yell at me. Call me all kinds of names and threaten me. Saying it’s my fault that now he’s not going to eat because of how stupid I am and that I ruined his night, his mood and appetite. I cried so hard to him so that he can forgive me and we can just eat and move on. I cried and told him how I started feeling bad and crampy and he didn’t care. I cried to him how much it hurts that he’s not here for me when I’m at my lowest and how he’s supposed to be my person to go through. He didn’t care. He told me I better stfu and stop talking to him. He’s now in bed, asleep. I’m awake crying. When he wakes up he’s going to be so mad at me for him not getting to eat before bed because it is my fault. I don’t even want the baby shower anymore. I don’t want to get ready. I don’t want to take pictures. I don’t want to pretend how happy we are. I can’t do this anymore. He constantly judges me. Tells me how stupid I am. How stupid my family is. He even hates his own family at times. He tells me I should die. They should die. He does and says so many hurtful things almost every day and I feel like maybe I don’t deserve love I’m this life after all. How can you say you love someone and see them cry so hard and while she is carrying your child and not feel anything? How can he just do me the way he does :( I literally want to runaway. He’s so controlling. The baby is not here yet and he talks so much about how he doesn’t want him around my own family. I can’t even put into words in this paragraph how much pain I feel or what I’m feeling at all. I can’t stop crying. There is just so much to this. So much I have left out. I’m bleeding internally. That’s how I feel.