Thoughts 💭🤍

It’s currently 12:52 A. M. I can’t seem to fall sleep, my thoughts keep me up constantly. Don’t know what to do to keep them stored and would love to just snooze out. So many thoughts going through my mind right now for example the usual one “what will my future look like” “will I ever regret what I am doing right now” and “ am I actually happy right now in life?” I can’t help but ask those questions, the truth is, I will never completely know what I am doing or even the correct masses so I guess I am stuck here at 12:55 A. M. Dreading the future.

Sometimes I get sad and do not understand why, people ask me what is wrong but not even me who is experimenting this new feeling know how to explain it. It completely sucks because I wish I knew how to stop it but I do not. I feel sad and almost depressed, I do not want to be bothered and would love to be alone but at the same time I want someone to be with me and tell me everything will be okay and that I am safe.

It’s 1:10 A. M. I am crying; nothing new if I do say so myself. I’ve gotten used to falling asleep crying.

Sometimes I wish I could EXPRESS myself better to others. But it is extremely hard for me to do so, I tend to get stage freight and then I just keep it to myself.

I know I have people who love me and care for me and want to see me happy and would do anything to achieve that. But I seem to always fail them and when they make me happy I get thoughts about how I failed them and suddenly feel bad for feeling happy. There’s days I hate life and contemplate living (I know I shouldn’t think about this) but my 13 year old thoughts about hurting my self are always there.

I tend to hide my feelings and bottle them up and suddenly explode. I tend to overthink to the point where I am so happy and suddenly I remember about something that happened in the past and tear myself down. It may seem like I express my feelings because I cry or get angry a lot. But I cry yes but I do not say why, I get angry but I do not express myself well. It is extremely hard for me to do so; sometimes I wish people could understand this. 😞

I need someone to understand me, not only tell me they understand me but literally understand me in a personal level. This is hard for me and I hope I am not the only one. I sometimes want to reach for professional help but like I said it is hard to express myself in which I feel like it would be a waste of money.

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I’ve been told I am beautiful and perfect but I see myself as fat, not smart enough, not bright enough, a set down and so forth. This is not healthy for me. It is hard to “love” myself especially with all I’ve been through. I am trying too, it is just hard. When family members tell me I am gaining weight or look chubbier, it hurts my feelings they don’t know that I’ve gone for food as my comfort. I “eat” my feelings away; I binge eat. Eating disorder? Do not know... there is so many questions I would love to know the answer too.

W I L L I E V E R G E T O V E R T H I S . . .