Love sucks…

I have been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. We have a toddler and a 2 month old together. I want to start this post with the fact that I love him and he is a great father. That is important. Because at the end of the day, I think that is why I keep trying.

We met when both of our marriages were ending. We were friends and we supported each other. After some time, our relationship became romantic. I am going to add that he has five kids from prior relationships. I’m not looking to see a bunch of posts bashing him for that I just need to put it for context. Throughout our whole relationship I have been the primary breadwinner on account of all his child support. Which he does pay when he is working. The problem is that he hasn’t been since the beginning of November. His job at the time was very demanding and when they were going to enforce a vaccine mandate, he talked to me to see if I was okay with him quitting. He had another job lined up so I was good with it. I don’t pay his bills, he pays them. But I do pay the household bills and I co-signed on a car for him last year because he needed one and I trusted him to keep up with payments. (He is good about paying his bills… normally). Unfortunately, the job he had lined up fell through and he has been unemployed since.I think he fell into a bit of a depression because he now spends the bulk of his time sleeping. For a while he was doing DoorDash consistently to make ends meet but after the holidays that fell off. So over time I’ve started to become more and more bitter about money because I’m paying now for everything. And when his other kids come over every other weekend, I pay for that stuff too. I told him that even though I make good money, I cannot afford to support me, him, our two kids, and his three kids (the ones that come over every other weekend) and that I needed him to get a real job and in the meantime to work more consistently. I also told him I need more help with our two kids because he sleeps all day and it’s real hard to wrangle a rambunctious toddler with a newborn attached to your boob all day. Finally I told him I could not stand the state of our house. Admittedly I am a slob but I generally make up for it with frequent cleaning. The problem is that I haven’t been able to clean because I am chasing kids around all day. He told me that he would do better and he just hasn’t. He works when I freak out about some bill or something. He steps in with the kids when I am about to rip my hair out. And though he agreed to help me clean for the two days the toddler is with the nanny. He only did so for half of the second day. I did everything else… with a newborn attached to my boob for half the day. I can’t talk to him because he gets defensive and he doesn’t want to hear anything I tell him. Every time I try it results in a horrible fight. I have a long fuse and a bad temper. It takes a lot to make me snap but once I do I have no filter and tend to say hateful stuff. I’m not proud of it and I am working on it. It just seems like we have the same fight over and over and I’m so tired of it.

Long story short. We got in a stupid fight today and I told him to get out. I regretted it basically as soon as he left but that doesn’t matter. He did come back eventually but we have not spoken unless it’s about the kids. I guess I just don’t know what to do anymore. Financially and mentally it would probably be better to end the relationship but emotionally not so much. I love him. I wouldn’t have had two kids with him if I didn’t. I just do not understand why we put ourselves through hell because of love. So yeah… love sucks.