Bad memories

I lost my brother from an OD in June 2020. God do I miss him. We didn’t have the best childhood. Our parents had a God awful divorce because of my mom and her want of making my Dad’s life hell. There were times where all of us fought. He was one of my two older brothers with me being the youngest. We fought with each so much through my parents divorce. There were times my other brother would bully him and then he would bully me. Water always trickled down. My mom beat us. Each in different ways. Abused us to the point my oldest brother jumped out a second story window at 15 and was in the hospital for 6 weeks in a coma. Then my other brother (the one I lost) took a whole bottle of Tylenol 3 months after at 13 years old. Child family services took them away to live with my Dad but left me with her.

Lately I keep having memories of those times. When we were so young and no one to protect us. Remembering time of the abuse. When he was abused. When we fought. When he was bullied. Catches me off guard and takes my breath away. How do I work through it? I can’t change the past. I feel like my mind may shatter sometimes when remembering them.