I’m still not over him after almost a year

I 21f broke up with a 29m after nearly 3 years of dating.

I do believe for about a year and a half dating I was in love with him. But then I got into a bad car accident that totaled my truck that I had bought with my own money. I was deemed at fault for this and even got sued by the other guy.

It was the first time I got into a bad situation that was entirely “my problem” for lack of better words. My first serious adult situation I guess. I was extremely depressed during this time and told my boyfriend how alone I felt due to it being my first “me” situation. He yelled at me saying that it was selfish of me to say such things since he was there. He had gotten me from the accident and drove me to get the rental so he felt like he had done a lot for me. He honestly broke my heart that night. I wanted to break up with him that moment but it was too much.

He was very much so in love with me the entire time. I truly do believe completely he loved me entirely and not just an image of me. I often felt bad and like the villain for not feeling much the same,

We continued dating for about another year but I honestly didn’t really love him anymore. I only cared about him instead. We tried to make it work but then…well he inherited about 125,000$ from his mothers death. He ended up spending a-lot of it on drugs to cope with the death I believe. He once even admitted he was addicted to cocaine. He would constantly accuse me of cheating (I never did. I simply have a long term male friend) and he constantly had a lot of mood swings. It honestly pushed me further into depression. He did a lot of other things like tell me my diabetic senile nana belonged in jail after she wrecked her car trying to drive herself to the er without a license.

I ended up breaking up with him on whim after he accused me of cheating for the millionth time for another dumb reason. It took three attempts to break up because he kept talking me out of it even though each time he very quickly had all of my things bagged up to give me. He even went as far as writing me love songs, trying to convince me to have a kid with him and telling me he changed his mind about being anti marriage and wanted me to live with him when he was always very against marriage and living together in his apartment. I knew these were all to try to trap me.

The last time he had threatened suicide and to come to my house to “make me talk to him”. It scared me to the point I put extra locks on my door and called the cops to check on him in the morning but we haven’t talked since. I had blocked him on everything.

But yet nearly a year later, I’m not over him. I still check up on him on his social medias where he’s quite active. I go as far as having a fake Facebook account I paid for that is friends with him. I don’t know why I do it. I like to think it’s just because I care for him and want to see how he’s doing. But a part of me feels like I want him back. Or that I want to talk to him. I know deep down if I were to ever get back together with him, it’ll be terrible and I’ll quickly be depressed/regret it. He was all I had for those three years. I didn’t have other friends. He was my entire life. Anything I ever say about my life since I was 18 includes him in it. I saw his car in public the other day and wanted to check if he still had my key chains on his mirror. He came back to the car before I could. Part of me doesn’t want him to get over me or get another girlfriend. I’m not sure why I can’t get over him. My brain only wants to remember the good parts. I always have to remind it on why “we” don’t want him back. It’s almost been a year now since the breakup and I still think about him more than I like to admit. I still talk about him. I still check his social medias at least once a week. I don’t understand why I can’t get over him. I don’t know how to. I was the one that broke up with him. I was the one not in love. I was the one that needed out of that relationship. Yet somehow I’m the one that can’t get over it. It doesn’t make sense. I could go on for days on the things he did wrong. The messed up things he said or did to me. I always write him off as a coke addict. Or that the sex was always terrible. Yet now I’m still the selfish one. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I feel like I need to burn down everything I own and rebuild from scratch. A life he never touched. But I’m not sure that’s even enough