Hey Joe

I know it’s been a while. And you’re the same ol’ bastard you’ve always been. I just wanted you to know I had a dream about you the other night.

Nah, it wasn’t about us getting back together. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Made me realize I was clinging onto another old toxic friendship. One that was eerily similar to that of ours. It was Mark, so you shouldn’t be surprised. You two were always super similar in that way.

Yeah I’m doing pretty well actually. I’m very happy with how life is going. I’m in grad school and my work has been picking up. I was just in a huge performance with a bunch of b-list celebrities too. That was really cool actually, didn’t think it was possible.

I have some great friends. I’ve had to leave a few behind and it’s been sad. But I think it’s been for the best.

I like this guy. He doesn’t like me back. But it’s okay, he’s a great friend of mine. And I’m sure you remember, relationships are always best before you stop being “just friends.” I mean that is what ruined ours, isn’t it?

No, I still haven’t dated anyone since you. I know, you like to think it’s because I’m not over you yet. But you know what? It’s been FIVE. YEARS. I’m over it. And I know my worth now. That’s why I don’t settle for people anymore. No one who’ll treat me the way you did. Not now, and not ever again. I’m better than that.

I’m better than you.

Anyway Joe, I hope your money hasn’t totally corrupted you quite yet. It’d be pretty sad if it did. Although, you were already well on your way. So sad I guess, but not tragic.

I hope one day you learn that the world won’t always be out to get you, Joe. And I hope that someday you’ll understand that I’ve always been better off without you.

I liked life better when you were groveling at my feet.

“I’d marry you today if there wasn’t anyone standing in my way.”

Boy am I glad about cockblocks.

Love (as you so gracefully put it),

your future ex-wife

P.S. Word of advice: never tell your teenage girlfriend that you’re going to divorce her if you ever get married. Wtf was that even about???