I'm just feeling real sad tonight thinking back over the past couple years. All of my big life events have been ruined in some way and it's just hard to take as they're all "firsts" (and onlys). In 2020 obviously covid hit and we were due to get married, in the UK we had several lockdowns and restrictions so it changed a lot of things. I had my hen party over zoom which was the saddest thing ever as my friends and family had planned a wonderful weekend for me originally. My wedding got changed and moved several times and we could only have 13 people there and they had to be separate tables with 4 people on so barely anyone could chat. We had no first dance. No cake. No dancing. Literally said our vows, had a meal and were home by 3pm. We could have waited to have our proper wedding but we both have elderly grandparents and honestly we didn't think they would survive covid. The wedding was more for them than us, although I am so glad we are married. Then, I get pregnant Feb 2021, covid is still a massive worry and I work on icu so it's a major risk to me and my pregnancy is spent worrying about covid and work. Then I finally have our baby and I have PPD for the first 2 months, fine, no problem, very common. THEN I finally get a grip with my mental health and feel better in becoming a mum.. and my dad has a heart attack, spends 7 months in and out of hospital with surgery and complications, nearly dies 3 times. And also my uncle died during this time. Now, I am very lucky due to my job and living in the UK I have had 10 months of maternity leave. I'm going back to work next week and just reflecting on the past few years especially the past year where my maternity leave has been spent worrying about my Dad, dealing with death and doing my best to support the rest of my family during the shitty time, I feel angry. So angry that I never ask for anything, I'm very relaxed and "it is what it is" kinda person but my big moments feel like they got taken from me and especially my maternity leave as I just couldn't do the things I wanted to do and the whole time was just full of stress. We can't have another baby so this one will be our first and only and I just feel so sad that these moments are ruined. I'm so glad my dad is OK now and I don't want it to sound like I blame him because I absolutely don't, he went through so much and I love him. I don't know, I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight and I do apologise because I know others go through way worse and i have many things in life which make me very lucky, but I'm just sad.