Hey everyone. I’m new to this world of loss, and just wanted to share my baby’s story in hopes that it may resonate with someone.

On Tuesday, September 6, 2022, we found out we were expecting our third baby. Breaking the news was a little chaotic because while we weren’t necessarily trying, we weren’t avoiding, either. There were so many mixed emotions, from excitement to uncertainty, from my husband and I and our two kids, 15 and 6.

But a few days passed by and we fully grasped that this baby was a blessing with an assignment from God. In fact, the day I found out I was pregnant, I talked with God and thanked Him and told Him that I was so happy to be pregnant, but I surrendered the baby and the outcome of this pregnancy to His will, and not mine.

I quickly went through the motions of trying to find a midwife that would do our intake and was dreaming of a beautiful, serene home birth. We made appointments, but nothing was scheduled until early October. In general, I felt okay and didn’t really have symptoms.

On Saturday, September 17, 2022, we had dinner with my Dad and his girlfriend. They told us that my (what would be) step-sister-in-law had just had her second loss. I prayed for her immediately, but I became instantly unsettled about how my own pregnancy would go. I started feeling unwell late that evening (sinus infection) and increased my fluid intake. I was still unsettled and took an HPT, which was lighter than previous tests, so I attributed it to the extra fluids and took another one the following morning. The line had darkened, so I felt reassured.

On Tuesday, September 20, 2022, I noticed light pink spotting when I wiped myself. I immediately thought something was “off”, as I’ve never had any bleeding in my other pregnancies. I told my husband and had a sweet soul from this app give me guidance on how to order my own lab draws so I could see where my levels were. Wednesday, September 21, the spotting had seemingly resolved and I had my first hCG and progesterone drawn. They resulted the next day, Thursday, with an hCG of 1912 and progesterone level was low at 6.6. I immediately tried to contact a midwife, a doctor, and an urgent care office to get a prescription for progesterone. I couldn’t get an appointment for a few days, or in the case of urgent care, they simply didn’t deal with pregnancy.

That Thursday also happened to be my husband’s birthday. By that evening, the spotting had returned and picked up a little bit. I was overcome with a feeling of loss. We decided to visit the local emergency room, even though I was resistant at first because I didn’t want to ruin my husband’s birthday by spending it in the ER. The first hospital we went to checked us in and triaged us and told us it would be 5+ hours before we would be put into a room. I ripped the ID band off, handed it to a worker and left. We headed home in the pouring rain. We called my dad and asked him to meet us at the ER in his town (he lives an hour away) so he could take our kids to his place so they wouldn’t have to be stuck sitting at the hospital with us for who knew how long. He agreed so we packed up and hit the road.

On the way to the second hospital, we saw the most beautiful, BRIGHTEST rainbow and I was overcome with emotion and I could audibly hear the tiniest, most excited voice saying “God’s got me, mom!” I looked at my husband on his birthday, and told him that it was done. We both quietly cried in the car on the rest of the way to the hospital. My dad got the kids and we went into the second emergency room together. We had a brief wait, an hour or so, before we were placed in a room. This nice, young doctor with surprisingly good bedside manner came and sat down to talk to us. I dug out my lab results and handed them to him. I told him my progesterone was low and I wanted a prescription for progesterone support. We went back and forth for a little while about studies we had read, what the protocol was, and whether it was justifiable to the insurance company to cover it. We told him we didn’t care about insurance and would pay for it of out of pocket. He finally admitted he had never written for it before, and wasn’t sure how to write it. I told him the Rx I wanted, verbatim. I also asked him to order a STAT ultrasound at our local hospital for the next day, and he did. We went home.

The next day, Friday, September 23, 2022, we called and set up the ultrasound appointment. They worked us in. The procedure itself felt so cold and distant. The tech asked me questions like “How far along did you say you were?”, “Are your menstrual cycles irregular?” and that was all the interaction we had as she pressed back and forth with the probe inside my vagina. She finally turned the screen towards me at the end and said, “This is all I can show you. Here is the gestational sac and it’s too early to see anything else.” According to my LMP, I expected to be 6w6d at that ultrasound. The report came in on MyChart and it dated the gestational sac at 5w1d with no definite fetal pole. My cycles have been irregular before, so I was hopeful that maybe I had ovulated late. I left the ultrasound and went for my second hCG and progesterone draw (that I had ordered myself). I picked up my progesterone suppositories from the cutest little family pharmacy and went home.

On Saturday, I received my second set of lab results. In a skinny 48 hours (almost down to the moment), my hCG had increased to 3153 and my progesterone level had decreased to 5.2. The spotting continued through the weekend.

I went to church on Sunday morning, and joined the altar call and had so many people praying over my baby. One of my closest friends told me she had received a word for me, and that word was, “It is done, praise God” and she thought He meant that everything would go on and be okay, but I understood His word that he sent through her.

Late on Monday evening, September 26, I had noticed the color of the bleeding changed from brown to red. I had some cramping and went to sleep. Woke Tuesday morning, and the bleeding had decreased and returned to brown.

I tried to go through Tuesday as normal, did my usual activities. Washed my 6yo son’s clothes and put them away in preparation for his Jiu Jitsu class. The cramping had returned when I was folding clothes, so I got everything put away and just went and sat on the toilet. The bleeding was still slow, but was picking up a little bit. My husband did all the final prep of getting our son ready and I stayed seated on the toilet cramping and listening to worship music. I tried to fix my hair up and put on a tiny bit of makeup while I sat there. My husband checked on me frequently and I told him that if this was going to be the outcome, I wish it would just hurry up and be over with. My son was eligible for his very first promotion in his class, and hell or high water would not have stopped me from going. I knew his baby sibling would want me to be there for him. So I sat through his class, contracting and knowing what was imminent, but still smiling and cheering him on. We picked up some fast food on the way home because I knew I wasn’t going to feel up to cooking.

We got into the house and got everybody situated, and I went back to the toilet. At first, it just felt like I needed to pee, but when I engaged my bladder a big gush of blood came out, and with it, the contents of my uterus. I inspected them to see if I could find my baby (I wanted to give her a proper burial) with no success. After I came out of the bathroom, I looked out the window and the sky was lit up bright pink.

As quickly as it began, it was finished. As heartbreaking as it is, I feel an overwhelming peace. My baby is sweetly reunited with Jesus, and is being spoiled and loved by my mom and my husband’s mom in Heaven until we meet again and it’s our turn to do the spoiling! I believe this baby’s life had a purpose - and that purpose was to warn me that I need progesterone support if I have a future pregnancy because my body doesn’t produce enough on its own. I will continue to praise God and be thankful for the time I got to carry this baby and the purpose she was sent for. I can’t possibly understand God’s plan and His will in my mortal mind, but I can accept it and rejoice that one day, I will see my baby again. This isn’t an ending, it’s just a new beginning. I’m hopeful that there will be a rainbow after this storm and that my sweet baby (who I intuitively felt was a girl) will handpick a perfect addition to our family, if that is God’s will for us.

Lainey Brielle - “Bright Light of God”

September 6, 2022 - September 27, 2022

In Our Hearts Forever, Our Reunion is Heaven ❤️