I'm in a lot of pain.

I've spent a lot of my life cutoff from other people. I never really fit in with other young people; I'm very responsible and don't really enjoy drinking or parties or anything like that. I'd much rather have deep conversations or something like that. The few times that I have let people talk me into being irresponsible, it always always ends badly.

I really like this about myself. I think I'm really smart and very wise and mature. The hard part is that it's so fucking lonely. People think I'm uptight or judgemental or whatever and it's really just that I just don't find that shit enjoyable. I've gone a lot farther than a lot of people in my career with this mentality, but again, it's so fucking lonely sometimes. It's at its worst when I try to do those things because the people I like are doing them.... and I leave feeling more alone than ever..... I'm in a lot of pain.

I should also add that people often are very drawn to me, but then ghost me out of nowhere. A few weeks ago, I was in a training class and THREE people asked me for my number so we can keep in touch after the training is over. One of them was a girl who is super nervous around me and another was a guy that I got talking to and he kept telling me how impressive I am because of how far I've come and how successful I am even though I have so many odds stacked against me. The third was an older guy who was going to help me with my car. We had so much fun in the training and had so much good conversation..... and none of them ever contacted me. It's so horrible. Sometimes, I think people are intimidated by me, but it's like what can I do about that? Stop being confident? Stop being successful? Like I don't know what to do about this.......