How to unlearn behaviors from a toxic relationship ? 🥲

Question

I was with my ex for a little over 4 years, we started dating when I was 16 and he was 20, and we have two kids together. It was a nightmare - he cheated a bunch, always run off, was insanely jealous, was highly manipulative, physically abused me while I was 37 weeks pregnant and at risk of premature birth, threatened to kill me, threw out a bunch of the kids’ stuff, punched holes in the wall, fell out of the kids’ lives 4 months ago, etc. I started dating a guy I work with a couple weeks ago and everything seems okay. He shows a lot of green flags, is super gentle, sweet, caring, etc. But I notice that I definitely hold onto toxic behaviors that my ex taught me to carry. For example, my ex was jealous enough that if I even spent time with a dude friend, he would threaten to harm them or kill me. Well my boyfriend is friends with another girl we work with - she has kids and a fiance. They joke and talk sometimes and we all have each other on Facebook. I don’t feel deep down that it’s anything sneaky, but I do sometimes get jealous and don’t like it. How do I unlearn this?

Answer

First, you should be really proud of yourself for being aware that this is coming up for you. You are acknowledging your feelings, and aware that it may root from your previous relationship. That’s a really good start. 
In your last relationship, there was lots of abuse and cheating, and that made you feel unsafe and unstable in your relationship. When your ex had a relationship with another woman, it was never just platonic, it was a cheating relationship. So when you see your current partner talking to a woman and having a friendship with her￼, you are still receiving these signals that are telling you that this is unsafe. ￼The problem is that now you are in a healthy relationship where having friendships of the opposite sex can be very healthy for both of you. You are no longer in an unsafe situation that you need to worry about constantly. So when these feelings come up, you may literally need to acknowledge the way you feel, and then remind yourself that you are no longer in an unsafe situation, and that it is healthy to have friends.￼ Remind yourself that you are not inadequate in anyway if he has a friendship with a woman. ￼And also, it’s important to talk to your partner about your feelings too. Let him know￼ that due to your previous relationship you’ve been feeling a little bit insecure and you just need some reassurance that everything is OK. If he is the right person for you, he will be patient with you as you unlearn these ideas. Additionally, it never hurts to be seeing a therapist to help you navigate through a new relationship after you’ve had an abusive one. That may actually be extremely helpful for you. Good luck!￼

Answer

Therapy. Retrain your brain. When you think or feel an intrusive thought, I want you to say to yourself or out loud. Stop it whatever your name is. And then I want you to repeat something. I am the thinker of my thoughts, all thoughts are an illusion, instead I choose to think about blank. Shift the thought process and retrain your brain. 
Taking the time to heal and work on yourself inside and out. Forgiveness. Forgiving yourself and learning not to be so hard on yourself. Giving yourself grace and space. But forgiving yourself for the choices and decisions that you made and forgiving those that hurt you. Not to their face, but to yourself, not because they deserve it, but because you deserve peace within and they are no longer going to be the reason for your unhappiness. Letting go of the boulders that you carry in your heart and mind and taking off the backpack. It no longer serves you. Do not give them power or control over your emotions. Or allow them to hurt you over and over again. Let the past go otherwise you sabotage your own happiness and future relationships. You can’t take baggage from previous relationship into a new one and not expect it to sink. Take the time to heal. Remember it’s ok to be alone. A man does not complete you, you complete yourself. Love yourself, date yourself and pamper yourself, you don’t need a man to do that. Always put yourself and your kids first. Men may come and go.  But you’ve got this. You are not a victim, you are victorious, a warrior and a survivor. Take the time to heal.

How to unlearn behaviors from a toxic relationship ? 🥲

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