I love my child more than life itself and I will never regret having him with the person I did because then I wouldnt have my son. But sometimes I hate myself for not leaving my husband a long time ago. He's useless and always has been. I've always been the one to support us, dig him out of his holes. I'm insecure and we met when we were in high school and have been together ever since. He's a loser. Idk how else to put it. He never changed. I've put myself thru college, got a good job, all while he messed around and dropped out of high school to smoke weed and mess around. But because he was forced to work hard labor due to no other options he constantly belittles me and says my job isn't hard because I work from home. My job is stressful. It's mentally draining. It requires long hours and travel. I do all the raising of our son while he sits on his games and smokes. Were 30 fucking years old now and he never grew tf up. Our "village" is nonexistent. He does the bare fucking minimum and thinks he's the best dad ever.

I hate myself for not being able to leave. Even when we were at the lowest of the low I couldn't do it. I realized long ago we are trauma bonded. I've been with him for so long I can't live my life without him, but why? All he does is make my life more stressful and I could 100% do it alone. Everything is in my name, I make good money,.I already do EVERYTHING for our child and the house. SO why can't I just leave.

Because I can't trust him to take care of our child. I don't trust him to have him alone. I don't have the mental capacity to go thru a nasty divorce or custody battle because I know it will be. So I just put up with it.

Idk what I'm looking for i just needed to write it down and get it out. He's sleeping on the couch while I've been up with our son since 6am. Story of my life. I never get a break. Either I'm working. Taking care of our son, the dogs, the house, the groceries, the errands, the appointments. All he does is go to work. Must be fucking nice. I always wanted 2 kids but because of him I'm only having one. Even my therapist told me to leave his ass but my dumbass cant do it.

I feel so fucking alone.