I am so broken.

I was in love from 2016-2020(well the present as I never stopped loving this person). It was the best love I ever felt. Our connection was so deep. We loved each other so perfectly. Except I was young and dumb and we wanted different things. I fell into a life of doing whatever he wanted because I loved him. He compromised a lot too tho. He wanted to live in Alaska(where we met and he lived his whole life) but I am from California and I wanted to live there near my family. This conversation didn’t really come up until we were getting married and looking into having kids. I couldn’t imagine not having my family around. We tried New York and decided to move to Cali together, but he didn’t like California so we moved back to Alaska together and I decided I needed space in California to decide whether or not I was okay with living in Alaska forever. I always considered him to be my on true love. I still consider him that. But when I was in California and we were broken up I had a fling. And I got pregnant. And I figured we could get over me having sex with someone else. Like when we got back together we could work through it and I could own up to it and take the blame for hurting him. I felt very guilty but we were broken up so I tried to not feel too bad. But pregnancy I figured meant I had to move on. So I decided my only option was to move forward with this new guy!. I ended up marrying him and getting pregnant again thinking this was my life. I moved on. I accepted it so I thought. Until it became super abusive. He cheated, blamed me, made me feel crazy, until I finally got the balls to leave. My family and friends were so proud but it was hard. But on the bright side I told myself once I worked on some issues of clear codependency I would call my ex. If for nothing else just to tell him I never stopped loving him. And I never meant for all of this to happen. And the reason I never came back had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my choices. I knew this whole time I was on the wrong path. But I had to keep going for my kids.

This past weekend I felt a very strong urge to call my ex. Like I was crying on the couch talking to my mom about it and fighting it because I didn’t think I was at the point of being secure with myself. I didn’t want to use him to fill my void. If I went back I wanted it to be for real. So I stopped myself. I told myself heal a little more, and then call him.

Wednesday I got a friend request from his mom. Her profile picture was of him. Which was odd. I accepted and she had posted 2 hrs prior that he had passed away.

I’ve been blaming myself since. Like what if I had called when I felt the urge, would he still be dead? I keep thinking I can change it. Like if he wasn’t already dead. Like I want to save him.

I think if I hadn’t left and gone down this path that I intuitively knew wasn’t my path, would he be alive?

Is it like a butterfly effect? Like I ruined everything?

And now the love of my life is gone?

I feel utterly alone on this earth now, with two babies to take care of. I’ve been so depressed I feel like I’m not able to be fully present with my babies and that is making me feel so much guilt too.

I worry there’s nothing left for me except being a mom. And I don’t feel like I can do this alone.

I wanted my person. I wanted him all this time. And now, it’s gone. And he’ll never know how I felt. His grandma told me he loved me and never stopped. I feel so so guilty.

Will this ever get better?

Will anyone ever love me like him? Will I ever be able to love again like I loved him?

I worry about my intuition and my judgement too as I picked an abused after him? I didn’t see it clearly until after I married him. Am I so far gone now that I won’t be lovable or able to love?

I read about love after abuse and love after loss but what about me? I am going thru both in the same week.😩 sorry if this post doesn’t make sense. My brain feels broken.