I had a traumatic birthing experience and I still haven’t processed it.

I woke up at 2:30am on October 30th, feeling 100% fine, just a little hungry. I went downstairs and got a snack and drink. I sat down, turned on the tv and watched for about 20 minutes when I started getting contractions. They were inconsistent and low pain so I thought nothing of it.

Within 15 minutes the pain got more and more intense and the contractions didn’t feel normal. They were sharper and felt more localized and I quickly realized something was wrong. The pain was extreme and unbearable. I called a friend to go get my husband from work, and then I went down a list of people to call to come over to help watch the kids. After about 10 calls to multiple people, my mom finally picked up around 3:25. At that point the contractions were so bad, I was screaming that I was sure baby boy was coming right then and there.

When mom arrived, I had to have her call 9-1-1 as I wasn’t going to make it by car. My water broke and there was blood all over the floor, my poor mom was trying to help keep me calm and check to make sure he wasn’t coming out. The EMT’s checked as well and surprisingly he wasn’t poking out so they rushed us to the ER where my OB was waiting. She went to check to see how far I had dilated and that’s when we found what was wrong. Baby boy had flipped last minute and his arm was sticking out and the umbilical cord had prolapsed. My OB could barely feel a pulse and he wasn’t moving so we were rushed into an emergency c-section.

On the way up my OB looked me in the eye and said she had to warn me now, these situations don’t always have a good outcome and there’s a chance he won’t survive. She said she was sorry to tell me that but wanted to prepare me as I was going to be put under and intubated. At this point I was sobbing and scared out of my mind. My husband wasn’t there yet and even if he was, he wasn’t allowed in the room so I had to do it completely alone. I was terrified to say the least. I had dozens of doctors rushing around as the baby needed to come out as soon as possible. They kept putting an oxygen mask on me but the nurse was holding it down too hard and it was cutting off all oxygen so I was panicking. They had to do intraosseous cannulation (drilling an IV into the bone) on my left leg. Unfortunately it didn’t take and they had to do it AGAIN in the right leg. The doctors were panicking because they needed to put me under quick as my baby boy was fading.

Soon enough I was put under and little man came out at 4:18am on October 30th. Less than 2 hours. That’s all it took for my life to turn completely upside down. He was 7lbs 2oz and healthy. When I finally came out of it and they told me I was so relieved I started crying again. I was brought into a room where My husband was waiting with our beautiful baby boy. I’m so thankful that my team was quick and was able to help save our baby. We got incredibly lucky that we got to the hospital in time because had we waited, he probably wouldn’t be here.

I’m still processing everything and I’m just not sure how to feel. They’ve set me up with a trauma counselor to try to help but I just don’t know how I feel. It was very annoying when every nurse in the mother/baby unit kept reminding me how lucky we were and any minute later he would be dead, Or it was such good instinct I called the ambulance. It definitely wasn’t helping. So I’m pretty sure I will be left with post partum anxiety, just waiting for it to hit. But hey I’m very VERY lucky that he made it and he’s fine… I love him very much. But I’m still in a lot of pain. I had 3 vaginal births before so this was scary and completely different. I’m happy we’re safe but I’m angry and I’m still hurting and going through it. I’m angry I have to see the giant blood stains on my carpet. A reminder of what I went through.

I can’t wait to feel normal again. And to feel like I’m not holding my breath and scared for my sons life. I want/need that to be over.

But to the most important bit, here’s my baby boy. He was 7lbs and 2oz. Completely healthy and full of love