TW I will talk about my sa and rape, and this is kinda long but stay with me lol

I was in a bad relationship when I was 16. I had known the guy for several years but we had been parted when my family decided to move. Two years later we moved back to that area and me and, we will call him W, met up and started dating soon after. My family life was really bad at the time. My dad was a mean alcoholic and was mentally and emotionally abusive. I just wanted someone to talk to and to be there to support me. I told him at the beginning of our relationship I wanted to go slow, I wasn’t ready for sex or anything sexual. He said that was fine and he was okay with that. Within less than a month of dating he came over to play pool/billiards with me.the way our pool table was positioned and placed it was really close to a corner. He was standing there and it just so happened that I needed to stand there to get the shot I needed to take. So I asked him to move and walked to that spot. I thought I saw him moving around me to go stand beside me, I was wrong. When I bent over he hadn’t moved and I ended up with my butt against his crotch. I was so embarrassed and nervous I quickly shot (like within a millisecond) and massively missed. I turned around and apologized over and over but all he did was walk away and smirk. That’s all he needed to think that I wanted him to start doing sexual stuff to me. Every time we were together after that he was groping me in some way or rubbing his boner against me even though I’d ask him to stop and say I wasn’t ready. One day he walked behind me while I was bent over aiming (we were playing pool again) he locked his arms while placing his hands on my back so I couldn’t stand up. I tried but I couldn’t get up. He told me to stop pushing because he want to “try something” I was terrified he was going to rape me. He got his dick out and started rubbing it hard against my pants on my butt. I would try to push up but couldn’t stand up. He started to pull at the waist band of my jeans and I was able to flip over and tell him to stop. Then he continued to say, like he normally did when I’d say to stop and that I wasn’t ready, why? Then I said I’m not ready and he again asked why. I didn’t know what else to say. He then said “the more we do these things the more comfortable you’ll be doing them.” This corrupted my thinking and made me wonder if he was right. He would continue these things even once making me jerk Jim off by holding my hand onto his dick and not letting go of me. But I think the worst one was when he ate me out after I had said no many times. I don’t understand what happened to me that day, part of me thinks he may have drugged me with something but I can’t remember if I drank or ate anything. I just remember being in the back seat of his truck with no pants on. He told me to lay down which I did and he started to rub me with his hand. I was wearing my underwear. Then he asked if I would take off my panties and I said no I wasn’t ready for that. He nodded his head. Then he stuck his fingers under my panties to touch me and I said I can feel that (somewhat hinting that I didn’t want him to do that) and he said “I know you’re supposed to. My mind started racing. And in this time I don’t remember how or when but he removed my panties and asked if he could eat me out. I said no multiple times and said I wasn’t ready. He answered and said okay. Within a minute he bolted his face between my legs without hesitation. I slammed my legs closed in response. I did this so hard I was actually worried I was hurting him so I eased up. Yeah stupid me was more concerned about him than realizing what was actually happening. I couldn’t get up because my head was stuck under the arm rest on the door of the truck. He sat up and smiled at me saying “see it wasn’t that bad.” He then proceeded to pull out his dick and start rubbing me. I remember saying “no please W no I’m not ready” as he pushed against my opening and this hurt. The only thing that stopped him from raping me that night was my curfew. He had set an alarm for when we need to leave to have me home in time that I wouldn’t get in trouble and it went off during this time. This is where my body understood before I did. After this my period stopped coming. My hormones weren’t the same, my libido was gone. I had been pleasuring myself long before I was with him and I didn’t even want to do that. I was with him again about a month later which was after I turned 17 when he started asking for sex. I put him off for I while because I really wasn’t ready but one day he talked me into trying anal. I had never been interested in that and was terrified of anal tearing and stuff. But he insisted. So we agreed that if I didn’t like it we would stop. He lied. I was on top of him facing away from him cowgirl style except we were in a reclining chair not a bed so my feet were on the floor. I tried my best to relax but nothing I could do made me relax. Everything in me was screaming I don’t want to do this. He got about two inches in and I couldn’t do it anymore. I tenses up and was ina lot of pain so I said “no I can’t do this I’m done.” As I tried to stand up getting offfof him he grabbed my hips and pulled me down as he trusted up many times. It hurt. It took the breath from my chest and I felt terrible. I’m not sure how many times he did it but the only reason he stopped is because I tended ip so hard I was hurting him. He said “hey you got to relax you’re hurting me” as if I didn’t matter. I couldn’t even hardly breathe. I couldn’t speak I was so nauseous suddenly, and I was super weak. I tried to stand up but I couldn’t bare my weight in my arms and he grabbed me and said “no wait don’t get up yet.” I still couldn’t speak. I waited a minute to gather myself, him still inside me. Then I stood up and turned around to face him. He laugh at me. He thought it was hilarious. Then he said “well you better finish what you started.” He wanted me to give him a blow job. I couldn’t do it. So he finished himself off. I met with him again not long after that and he wanted a blow job. I told him no I didn’t feel like it. So he proceeded to try and tell me if He didn’t finish (if I didn’t give him a blow job) he could get blue ball and end up in the hospital. I didn’t give in. After I went home I realized that every time we were together he didn’t look at me like I did him. He had this…hunger in his eyes like all he wanted was sex. That’s when I realized that’s all I was to him. I loved him. I loved him when I broke up with him, I even cried. But I still didn’t realize what he had done to me. I would realize this until eight months later. The pain I suffered though was unbearable. How could my boyfriend, the one who was supposed to love me and keep me safe hurt me like this? It was a pain and suffering that seemed endless. I’d have really good days, followed immediately by really really bad ones. Ready to end it all bad ones. I almost feared the good days because I knew the crash that followed it. I never told my family, I’ve only ever told one friend, and ironically I met her thanks to W’s mom. She is my best friend and has been for almost four years now. And it’s been almost four years since I left him. While I haven’t been in a relationship or been with anyone else since, it was mostly by choice. Today I am better, not entirely but mostly. It does hurt still at times but I’ve come to love myself through my pain. I read a saying not long after I realized all the trauma I went through (and I didn’t even mention all of the trauma he put me through), it was this:

So if you’ve been through sa and/or rape. The pain you feel might feel absolutely endless but you will over power it! You might feel like you can’t fight this anymore but honey you can. Don’t let this ruin you, you have so much more to see and do. I promise it does get better, it just takes time, and everyone needs a different amount of time. And sometimes it helps to see a specialist. Talk to someone. Don’t let this overtake you. You are loved by many and many more to come. It will get better but it is going to take a while. You will never forget it, I always called it an open wound to the heart that can’t/won’t be fully healed, but it will heal, you’ll have a scar and you will know how you got that scar but the pain will lessen with time and healing. Not all scars show, not all wounds heal, sometimes you can’t see the way someone else feels. Be kind to yourself. Cry, scream, hit stuff, but remember to keep going. One day you’ll have a body they never touched. One day the pain will be only a distant memory, won’t that be nice.

❤️