So two years ago my husband had a manic like psychosis episode which landed him in a mental institution for a month and a half. He was talking out of his head not really making any sense and he was very confused and hyped up. He wasn't released by the institution he signed himself out and he was still pretty messed up when he came home. He eventually came to himself somewhat. To be truthful he was never the same since that happened. Over the two years I noticed he would have times where it seemed like he was trying to go into one of those episodes but he never fully did until 6 days ago. He started having delusions and paranoia. He started seeing and hearing things that other people couldn't. So I took him to the hospital where I fought with them for over 24 hours to get him help. While there he got worse, he asked me at one point if I was going to kill him and then another time he asked if I was really his wife which I told him yes and his reply was that the voices kept telling him that I'm dead. He was talking about how he's hurt people ( which he never has) and he was talking about how he was suicidal. I eventually got the doctors to take me seriously after they tried to send him home in that shape multiple times. They finally transported him to another mental institution. I've spoken with the team working with him and they say he's more aggressive than he was when he first arrived. He wont eat and he refuses to take his medications, they say he stays in his room and paces. I've spoken to him twice, each time he had no clue what was going on and he didn't know who I was. When I was speaking to him and asking him things it was like he was speaking to something else and replying to whatever he was hearing. My last conversation with him he told me they were going to r*pe him and K*ll him and leave him in the parking lot.I've gone through hell dealing with this. When it first happened two years ago I stopped eating because I would get physically ill when trying to eat because of how stressed I was. I couldn't sleep, all I did was cry. I had to be put on two different anxiety medications that I had to take 2-3 times a day. I never wanted to experience this again but unfortunately I'm having to go through it again. This time feels somewhat easier but somewhat harder. Easier because I know somewhat of what I'm dealing with but harder because he's so much worse this time. He didn't hear or see stuff last time, he didn't forget who I was, he wasn't aggressive or suicidal and he didn't refuses his medications or food. I'm not sure if he will get better this time and if he does I don't know if I can continue to be with him. I love him with all my heart and soul and I've stuck by him through the good and the bad but there no guarantee if he does get better that this wont happen again and I can't go through it again I'm not physically or mentally strong enough. I'm going to start seeing a therapist for my own mental health because this is all becoming to much for me. Sitting by and watching the one you love lose their sanity is absolutely heartbreaking because there's nothing you can do about it but watch it happen. We had a future planned out we where going to have kids. That's all we've ever wanted but that doesn't seem possible now. One because he may never be normal again and two even if he does there's a chance this is all hereditary and we would be passing on this horrible gene to our child. This is another reason I don't know if I can continue on with our relationship. My only dream in life was to be a mom and that doesn't seem possible with him. Yes I know there's other options and such but how could I raise a child while also having to take care of its father. If he does get to come home he will need 24 hour care, my duties will go from being a wife to being a caretaker. Plus if we did bring a child into our lives what would happen to us if he went into one of these episodes again? We'd be all alone. It sounds so horrible of me but I don't want that, I'm only 23. I want to be able to have a somewhat normal life which sound so selfish of me and I hate that I'm even thinking this way. Another thing is I'm somewhat scared to be with him because he could have easily hurt me if those voices told him to and again even if he does come back to normal there's a chance that this will happen again to him so what if next time these voices tell him to hurt me or someone else. I know he would never mean to do it, he's never been a violet person but these voices and the things he see could convince him to do something bad. I also noticed over these two years since it happened the first time that he's changed. He use to be so sweet and loving and he'd take me out and complement me and help me around the house but he stopped doing those things. He expects me to do all the cooking and cleaning. At times I already feel like his caretaker because he'd expect me find his clothes to wear and make his food and things like that. To be honest I feel like this has made me fall out of love with him. I do still love him, he will always have a place in my heart but I don't know if I'm IN love. I was questioning myself about it a few weeks before this all happened. I need advice on what I should do. I don't know whether I should just suck it up and take the chance of getting hurt if this happens again and take on the role of caretaker and give up my dream of being a mom or if I should listen to my own concerns and get out of the relationship.

Also please no judgment or rude comments I’m dealing with enough right now I don’t need more to add on to the already overflowing plate.