Sitting in my room holding my newborn and looking at him right now, thinking what would life be like had I not met him or if I were to just leave him 10 years ago.At 14 I met him. He’s always verbally abusive and neglectful. But I grew up like this so I thought well thats normal right? A part of me thought he loved me and I could change him no matter how bad he treated me. Another part of me fear leaving him because “ I’ll never find love or be loved ever again”.

Now 23, married for 3 years, we have 2 children and both times i was beyond traumatised. But this time killed me. Because this time, he left me to birth alone because he priorities a work trip that he could have rejected which I only found out because his friend accidentally talked about it, and when I confronted him, he told me that he didn’t think being there for me was important. He didn’t think he need to be there. I was there alone. I went home alone with the baby. It has been 2 months and what he said absolutely crushed me. Im not sure if that is how betrayal felt. I still cry everyday because this absolutely traumatised me. He wasn’t there for the birth of our first child. Now he made the choice not to be there for our second. He told me he didn’t know I needed him. Although I told him before many times that being alone for the first (emergency cesarean) traumatised me so much.But he never remembers what I told him and whenever I talked about it or cry at the fact he left me all alone to go through this because of an OPTIONAL work trip,he will make it all about him, because I’m a stay at home mom, he would call me a leech, useless, and many other nasty things. He said that since I have never worked before, I’ll never understand why he priorities work over me. This hurt me to the point that I really don’t even want to be here anymore. I’m only here because my babies needs me. And I know its too late to change. I’ll just have to accept the fact that he probably never really loved me. He told me that he’s not the one to talk to since he caused my pain. But also, I have nobody because I chose him over everyone else. I lost all my friends to love him. And 10 years later, here I am suffering the consequences. I think I deserve this. I deserve it because I always forgive him. I never dare to leave. So I guess I’ll have to reap what I sow because I chose to stay.