Relationship change after baby?

Question

My husband and my relationship has definitely changed. We have been through a lot. Our dating back in 2017, to our engagement in 2018, was all a fairytale dream come true. Then stuff with family bad drama not directly to do with us put a strain in 2019 whole wedding planning and we got married in 2020. 3 days later those said family members made a mess of stuff and it was very stressful. Covid happened and we never got to go on our Italian honeymoon. Oh well. I had to go to therapy cause my parents got Covid badly very badly… and overthinking became a huge issue for me. I got better as time went on. That all put a strain there. 2021 was great everything was better with overthinking and we got pregnant and were thrilled. Pregnancy was a dream and having our son was too! March 2022 he was born! Our first! It was a bit hard for my husband, he didn’t understand why I was worried or anxious if our son made a strange noise, the lack of sleep affected him, he said he couldn’t sleep in same room so I told him he could be in our room and I would go to living room with baby in bassinet. It was hard. I was pumping every 3 hrs as baby was in nicu and didn’t latch well. I had postpartum anxiety I imagine. Well I think with a culmination of stuff since the bad family drama he never used to be short with me temper wise and now if I overthink even a little (which was always a trait just got very bad and worse than ever in 2020 due to family drama and my parents getting Covid badly) he freaks out and raises his voice. I tell him I just want it back to how it was our relationship. And I know it will never be exactly the same because we are now parents and have a baby, and it is amazing.
Relationships change and evolve I just want him back to his happier self not short tempered. Etc. I hope this makes sense. He got upset with me and said I do this I ruin the day when I slightly overthink and he gets short tempered and I make it known it hurts when he gets short and raises his voice. He wishes I would just drop it. And not being up how it hurts me. Thoughts? Thanks

Answer

Having a baby does totally change a relationship, I had a baby in January and I’ve had quite bad post partum depression and its put a huge strain on our relationship sometimes. My depression and anxiety over the baby (sounds similar to you, i massively worry about the tiniest thing that could be wrong with the baby), at times my partner hasnt none how to deal with it. Mixed with the sleep deprevation and him worrying about being the provider while I’m on maternity leave, theres been times where hes just snapped and we’ve had horrible arguments. And its horrible, its the time youre meant to be happiest and you have all these happy family dreams having a baby and in reality its hard! I’ve found that just being totally honest with each other about how youre both feeling at all times helps. Like if youre feeling anxious about something, try and calmly explain to him what exactly youre feeling and why you feel like that. Sometimes i dont even know why i feel how i feel, so I will literally just say to my partner im freaking out and im not sure why, please dont get mad at me, i just need a minute to chill out, or i just need a hug from you, i just need reasurance etc. Its helped if i tell him what i need in that moment in time, otherwise he’ll start saying things or trying to help in a way that makes me feel worse. I just tell him that i dont want his help, i just need a hug right now, or space or whatever. Its helped as he then gives me whatever i need. Likewise, if hes stressed about something he will tell me why and what he needs. I would sit down with him and explain to him all of this, tell him because of your anxiety and how he reacts to it, you feel like youre relationship is being affected negatively. Have a deep talk, no arguing. Tell him you both need to work as a team, not against each other. Theres so many emotions on both ends from having a baby, and you need to both understand how to deal with each others emotions. So have a conversation about it, put a plan in place for what you both do and say whenever a moment like that happens. Also maybe therapy and couples therapy could help? Also try and have date nights or just time together, even just a cuddle on the sofa with a movie or something, time together to be just you 2 is important when you have kids.

Answer

Having baby does change relationship and it is never going to be the same as before. 
You said that you had therapy because of your overthinking and anxiety issue. That is good. I believe you could understand yourself better and learn how to deal with it, to certain degree because you mention it can still be an issue. 
My question here - is it important for you to say it out loud? May be writing it down would help you deal with it? You could also write down why that idea is irrational or unlogical and why you shouldn't worry. Plus you can write down what would you do if it is actually happening so you are going to have a plan of action just in case. 
My other question would be - did your husband went to therapy? It seems to me that he is not dealing well with new situation and your worries on top of that. He probably don't understand your situation and have no idea how to deal with it himself or how to support you.

Relationship change after baby?

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