So this may seem like a weird post...

But a few days ago I saw a picture on Facebook of 2 of my former classmates.

We shared a class between 4yo and 12yo.

The picture was 2 guys, who were my classmates, and are still best friends (we're 29 now)

And it kinda gave me a flashback... I have been "in love" with the one guy, between my 5 and 11 yo.. and the other guy, my mom would tell me all the time that I should marry him.. Not that anything was wrong with him, they were both handsome and charismatic and very kind... I just never thought of the guy like that. Anyways.. not really an issue here just some background...

What was throwing me off.. is the fact that even at those ages.. I felt like I wasn't worth enough to ever date either of them.. I felt like I wasn't good enough and would never be good enough.

I don't even know where this feeling came from.. But it's something I have held onto for a really long time, that feeling of not being good enough.. I do still have it but thanks to my recent job hunting, I am starting to get to know myself, allowing room for "who I am" in opposed to "who everyone wants me to be" and this is very confronting that I always, even throughout my childhood, felt like I wasn't good enough... Like I wasn't enough or like I wasn't a full person. It's lead me into wrong relationships.. it has made me insecure and it has lead my life.

................................................

I just wanted to add in this update.. that I do think I have an idea where this comes from.

Even as a child, as a toddler, a 3 or 4yo I have specific memories of thinking "I can be just as good as boys" That is even before my younger brother was born.. My brother was favored a lot by my mother especially.. when I was 16 my stepsister told me that my dad told her mom that my parents actually only wanted one child - as my dad had a daughter from his first marriage - and they wanted it to be a boy. So I think that subconsciously I always felt that. I don't know if they talked about it in front of me when I was a kid (them possibly thinking "babies don't understand what we're saying") or it was something I felt or... I don't know...