Do I have to be present?

Question

TW: Miscarriage, SB
My sister lives in Alaska and is 7 kids, is pregnant with number 8. She's had a baby nearly every other year for the last 13 years. My/her parents and husband's parents live 10 minutes away from each other so my sister always comes back to town to have the baby for better healthcare. I have had 3 late-term miscarriages in the last 3 years and I had a 29 week stillborn in July. I've picked myself up after every miscarriage by about 3  months after but after having our stillborn, my husband and I are still just functioning in society for bills and living, we've never been so lost. My family doesn't really know how much we're hurting still because they aren't really that supportive so they don't need to know.
My sister announced her current pregnancy the morning that we found out we lost our baby, our appointment was that afternoon. Her baby is due in March/April and I 100% do not want to show up and try to be happy for her. I was pregnant with her and another sister for my previous miscarriages and I try with all my might to be okay when they're around with their babies because I don't want to ruin our relationship over my pain, this grief isn't going anywhere but neither are my sisters so I am with them when I can and leave when I've had enough. Will it be rude to not visit her while she's in town in the spring to support her?
 It's her 8th kid, honestly I just feel like it's another chick in the brood but I know that every baby is special so I don't really know either way. It's best for me to not go, but, on May on mothers day when my husband and I went to a hot springs for the day, she had a lot to say about me not being there with other women in the family and I'm really selfish for not just putting things aside and being there with them. She said I can't always just do what's best for me. I'm 30, the youngest of 5, my mom's had 45 years of mother's days so I thought it was okay for my husband and I to do something else just like I think it's okay for me to not show up and be happy for her that she has 8 kids and gets tired of them while all of mine keep dying. It's a hard spot

Answer

Of course you can do what's best for you. You don't have to go if you don't want. Your mental health comes first.

Answer

I’m sorry to hear that you are in a difficult situation. Do what is best for you. You don’t need unnecessary stress. Send a gift for the child or your best wishes.

Answer

Honestly don’t go, my sister had a baby like a month after one of my miscarriages and I was guilted into going by my parents. I really wish I hadn’t because I couldn’t even fake being excited to see the baby. I literally stood there trying not to have a breakdown for like 15 minutes and left. It was really awkward and my whole family was texting me all passed off about how rude I was

Answer

You do you. For get about what everyone wants you do or what they think their not in your shoes You do whatever you have to get healthy physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am so sorry for your losses, and sending you big hugs🤗

Answer

She’s going to take it however she’s going to take it. If she’s going to take it as rude, you can’t really tell her how to feel when she’s not being supported by her sister because it’s just another kid in your mind. But the same goes for you. She can’t tell you how to feel when you’ve had such a tragic thing happen to you. There’s really no right or wrong here. You just have to figure out what you’re able to take, what you’re willing to risk, and go from there.

Answer

You don't need to do anything that you don't want to do. I would suggested being honest about how you feel and why you don't want to be there

Answer

I empathize with you. I had 2 miscarriage unfortunately and it's not a good feeling. In regards to your sister, she is your sister, and I think you should be honest to her about the fact that you are hurting. I think not seeing the new baby/family member isnt really fair to your niece/nephew that is about to be born. You are important to him/her and have a big role in helping and guiding them and excluding yourself from it's life isn't the babies fault nor do I think its fair . But of course this is up to you and I hope the best for you!!!

Answer

No you don’t need to be present but I would definitely keep the thoughts to yourself about why does she need so many kids

Do I have to be present?

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