LOTS OF TRIGGER WARNINGS: BEWARE

I lost my full term son on 10/26. I was induced at 39+1 weeks and I’m honestly not ok.. at all. I’ve tried making myself believe that I made up the last 10 months in my head and that I was never really pregnant. And it was working. Until I heard Ribbon in the Sky by Stevie Wonder. That’s what played at his service. And I began reeling again.

I just want to be able to hold my son and be a mother to him and I’ve been thinking a lot about death. I was told committing suicide sends you to Hell, so I’ve been contemplating asking my fiancé to assist me so I can be sent to Heaven and be reunited with my baby.

We tried for two years to get pregnant. I miscarried twice on clomid and once we stopped trying we found out we were pregnant with him. We loss two babies before him so maybe I was just stupid for believing I had a chance at motherhood. And dumb for believing I ever had a chance at happiness. And I don’t even know why I thought I would be taking him home from the hospital once I went into labor. It hadn’t happened for me yet, I should have expected the worst. I think I’m cursed.