My wife and I lost our Willow this last July just hours after she was born, and here we are already 5 weeks into another July baby. It's hard to be excited when the main feeling is fear. Fear of losing another one. Fear of getting all the way to the big day and going home with just trauma.

My wife's pregnancy with Willow was normal. There were no complications prior, and nothing to note on any of the ultrasounds. We got all the way up to needing to push, then they lost the heartbeat. They rushed my wife into an emergency c section and got Willow out in under 4 min but it was too late. When she decended the umbilical cord tore causing her to bleed out. They got a heartbeat back but it was very weak and when they finally took me in to see her she coded again. We had to make the impossible decision to hold her while she passed knowing that there was no way to save her. That night my wife hemmeraged and I almost lost her to, but she's a survivor.

That night I told myself never again, yet in healing I realized (and my wife realized) that we still had a hole in our family to fill. Not expecting anything (it took us a year last time) we decided to leave it up to fate and tried to just connect more as a couple. I had hoped we would have a little longer to heal, but here we are.

Feels like we are jumpy after every pinch or cramp my wife feels and we are only on week five. I hope we can get through the next 8 months.