i know this title may sound confusing and you might be wondering how i don’t know the answer to it but i think i do but i think my heart wants it to work so bad that my own mind is playing tricks on me. please be kind as my emotional state is not good right now. i’ve been with my sons dad for almost 4 years now with a 10 month break up in between. our son is almost 2. he’s a good dad but he’s never been a good partner. he’s cheated on me multiple times. he’s very good with words and somehow always knows how to get me to stay. he’s even told me he’s been hacked and was able to find a way to make me believe that was true but now i’ve realized i was being naive and it wasn’t. yes, im young. we started dating when we were 19 & i got pregnant at 20. he cheated on me while i was pregnant. i couldn’t bare to be a single mom and he profusely apologized so i stayed… time would go on & he wouldn’t do anything but i think he was making sure i was comfortable and beginning to trust him again so i wouldn’t suspect it. after our break up of 10 months we got back together and we instantly got pregnant. we were excited. i ended up miscarrying at 6 weeks. it was really traumatic for both of us. so last night, my intuition kicked in and i checked the notifs on the lock screen of his phone and there were several girls on it. i confronted him and he giggled & said “give me my phone” so i did. i asked if he would show me the messages since he told me they were nothing, he said no. i was bawling asking what i did to deserve this treatment for so long and especially after miscarrying our baby. he just sat there with a straight face and when he did talk it was stuff like “if you’re so unhappy then leave”, “why’d you come back then?”, “you’re feeding into your own delusions”, “you made me miserable”, “it’s always something with you, do you ever stop?” “your behavior and you constantly going through my phone is disgusting to me and such a turn off”. so i said “do you think i get turned on seeing all those girls names on your phone?”. he was sitting on the couch and i was standing up in front of him saying something and he lunged up at me and got in my face and yelled something. i don’t even remember what it was now. i asked him if he was going to hit me & he sat back down. i ended up going to my mother in laws and she said his dad was like that with her. i’m at a loss for words right now. i feel worthless. i don’t know why i deserved those things. i’ve been to therapy twice. i’ve looked into psychiatrists because i literally feel like i’m losing my mind. sometimes i think im doing everything i can then other times i feel like if i just tried harder i’d be treated better