** TRIGGER WARNING PREGNANCY LOSS **

.

.

.

.

.

.

Also sorry in advance.. this is a long-ish read.

.

.

.

.

.

I have had MDD and severe anxiety since I was in high-school. Through the years I have adapted to deal with it, but lately I am struggling. It has been 3 months and a day since I lost my baby. At first I was so dang happy to be pregnant, but that was until I started having severe cramps/bleeding. I knew something was wrong, but no one listened. They all said the baby was fine, and that it was normal. I had my HCG tested, and was sent to see an OB. After my second round of blood work that she ordered I got the call. She said it was likely a miscarriage, and had me go in for an ultrasound. I didn't have to wait long for my ob to call me back to let me know that it was in my left fallopian tube. I had to rush to the hospital where they gave me my options.. to keep the pregnancy until rupture or to get a methotrexate injection. Injection it was since the thought of rupture scared the absolute shit out of me especially being O-. They said my HCG was so low I probably only needed that one injection.. yeah no.. I got a call a week later after the blood work, and was told to rush back to get the second shot or go to the ER. I was devastated and my body was.. in chaos (Best way I can put it). The worst part was I had to wait two long weeks of hell.. for my pregnancy to end. They told me I had to wait 3 months for the medication to be out of my system before trying again, and here it is.. the 3 month mark. I am so depressed and honestly scared as shit to try again. There is a high chance of this happening again, and I'm not sure if I can go through that again. At the same time me and my hubby want another little so bad.

This is honestly the first time I have talked about my loss outside of my family. Thank you so much for letting me vent. So much love sent to the mamas who have had similar stories, and to the mamas who have gone through miscarriages. The heartbreak and loss are real and devastating to the mind and body. Hugs, love, and baby dust to you all ❤️