It’s been 6 weeks exactly since we lost our baby boy shortly after birth. He was perfect. An uncomplicated pregnancy and unmedicated delivery. There was meconium present when my water broke which we were unaware of. Me, my husband, and our doula knew nothing about this until we were looking over my medical records. When he was born he had trouble breathing and his heart slowed, until they couldn’t get it back up. We believe meconium aspiration was the cause of death as more and more test results come back normal.

I brought this up to my OB who delivered my baby, the one who I had been seeing for 39 weeks up until we gave birth. I messaged her frustrated that we still have no answers. How our matching halloween costume went untouched, and how my fiancé and I sat out thanksgiving because we were too embarrassed to show up without our baby. She threw a bunch of stats at me about how meconium aspiration was so rare and how she has nothing to hide and isn’t too proud to admit if there was a mistake made. Then she suggested I get on anxiety medication and antidepressants. The time before this we actually had a phone call which she told me “her job is to make sure the mother is ok, it isn’t in newborn resuscitation.”

Am I wrong for just wanting answers? I just want to know what happened to my baby. He was laid on my chest. Alive. Breathing. He looked me in my eyes and my heart melted. I finally got to experience love at first sight, and just like that he was whisked away. The next time I got to hold him he was lifeless.