So I’m in a sticky situation.

I have recently accepted that I am bisexual after not long coming out of a four year relationship with a man. This in itself is one thing to come to terms with, but it gets worse… I am very extremely 100% sure that I am in love with one of my housemates and have been for almost 2 years. It’s been like underlying attraction whilst I was with my (ex-)boyfriend, but after breaking up over the summer and a few months into living with her I have fallen so extra hard. And firstly I’ve never experienced gay love before, this is my first time so I’m not even sure how to approach a woman or flirt - all of my housemates are either gay or bi, and they all say to flirt with a woman is very different to man. I need urgent help because it is PHYSICALLY EATING ME UP INSIDE. Here are the facts…

- Now she is not my best friend. She is just a very close friend. I’m not quite sure how she views me but I feel like I’m on her top 3 favourite people in a house of 8 so friendship wise we are pretty solid? Personality wise she is quite masc, super funny and generally easy going. She has her best friend - who is also our housemate, and together the three of us are the closest in the house. Which makes things a little difficult to try to get closer as they have a very deep rooted established friendship between just the two of them and I’m left out of it. I didn’t mind until I started fancying her more and more. I really want to be closer but our friendship, although close, does not entail of trauma sharing or opening up, it really is just our personalities getting on so well that all we do is make each other laugh/hang out. And because we are not the sharing types (either of us) we don’t want to trauma dump each other to ruin a good vibe, as usually the vibes are just happy. I know opening up would make a deeper connection but she doesn’t need to (as she has her best friend) so she’s not really interested in changing the dynamic there.

- This is not a phase. Oh no. I have scoured the internet for info on how do you know you’re in love…. I have ALL the signs. She gives me butterflies, I always want to spend as much time with her as possible, I want to get closer, I want to be intimate. I daydream so hard, I dream about her in my sleep. Man, it’s hit like nothing else. But truthfully, I have no idea if she’s into me - yes she likes my company and I make her laugh, she gets very affectionate (hugs/kisses) when drunk but she does all the same things with her best friend, so it’s not special to me. She is very closed off emotionally to everyone apart from bestie, so the online info to get signs about if she likes me back wouldn’t be an accurate assessment. I don’t have a clue what she’s thinking about most of the time, no one knows. She was with someone a while back and even then wasn’t very outright affectionate or attention giving in public so who knows.

- No one else in the house (including her) knows I am gay. I do not know how to approach them or tell them, even though they are all gay themselves. If I told her I liked her it would be an extra double whammy shock. Now I’ve been to gay clubs with them and have danced and kissed girls and she often pulls me back and jokes that I need to ‘dance more straight’ because I’m attracting too many girls/stealing her pull flow. But there would still be that shock that I’m absolute dreading if I admit it, since I’ve always acted so ‘straight’ when I was with my ex.

- HOUSEmate. I live with her. I live with her best friend. I don’t want my two closest friends to suddenly feel really weird or uncomfortable around me, I’m already sort of excluded as it is in the 3. And worse of all, she’s done the housemate thing in the first year of uni TWICE. She has gotten with a housemate and it ended very messily. Now granted I am very different to that girl she was with, and we have a better friendship than they ever did, that doesn’t change the fact that she was so heartbroken over the flatcest that I don’t think she’ll want to do it again, even if she did like me back. I mean it’s just awkward for everyone involved. If she is uncomfortable or in a bad mood everyone around her feels it too, she has a very powerful and dominating presence in our house group.

- We did have a moment but it wasn’t really a moment. We had a night out together with just the 2 of us (not uncommon) but she invited me to watch narnia and sleep in her bed. She told me she was in love with a straight girl who has a boyfriend (I am crushed lol but don’t see any hope there). I asked if I could cuddle her while we slept, and she said yeah and I did. She didn’t cuddle me back but she did allow me to cuddle her. She also slept in her pants? Which she doesn’t normally do, she’s usually quite picky about changing in front of people. She wouldn’t even really do that in front of her best friend even though they were roommates for a year. But that could’ve been because she was so drunk she probably didn’t care much type thing. We have slept together a couple times (platonically after a drunk night out) but since this cuddle thing she hasn’t let me since. We also didn’t speak about it or joke about it so I’m guessing it’s a nerve, so an unspoken topic at least. I read way too far into it. But to be fair we haven’t had many other nights out with just us 2 after that. But she lets bestie sleep with her when 3 of us go out. So she’s not giving me mixed signals, I’m just a complete idiot and don’t understand the social queues. What does this mean?? I am 95% sure it didn’t mean anything and it’s just awkward for her to talk about but also I can’t help but feel like it was important to me.

- All this shit and you’re probably thinking; don’t fucking tell her how you feel. I’d be ruining a good friendship, allowing with my friendship with her best friend and the people I have to live with for another year. But I’m telling you this has eaten me up every day since September. I’m literally in love with this girl and it’s getting stronger and stronger by the day. This is not a phase nor a fleeting crush nor a rebound, this girl doesn’t not give me a shred of specific attention yet has the power to give me the biggest butterflies I think I have ever got. I can’t hold it in anymore I have to tell someone, if not her. I can’t ignore how I feel, my heart wants to implode every second I’m with her. It’s causing issues, I’m starting to get nervous around her and self conscious about how I look and act when she comes out of her room. She’s started noticing that I’m not being normal or my usual funny happy self which is probably why she’s distancing because she’s assuming I want headspace, as maybe she thinks I’m not in a good spot. When really I’m just fucking shaking inside because of the way she’s making me feel. I stumble my words, I can’t think of something to make her laugh on the spot anymore, I forget how to small talk, I don’t want to jokingly insult her anymore… it’s actually embarrassing. On nights out I can’t stop looking at her, or thinking about being in her company. I HAVE to tell someone as I feel like I’m going crazy….

How do I find out how she feels? What the hell do I do now?