Hi everyone. I think I got a positive test today. Most of us are dying for one right? Not me at least not for a long time a couple years at this point. I had a miscarriage this past March and I was emotionally manipulated into having an abortion in September. My boyfriend and I were destroyed after all of this so we barely have sex and if we did have sex we used a condom every single time. I literally don’t know how to respond to the test coming back positive. I have been testing almost everyday since I got the abortion in September because I was so anxious of it ever coming back positive and I am traumatized from the abortion. Partly because I needed to watch my HCG go down after the abortion because I was afraid of retained fetal tissue and I wanted to make sure I saw myself get a negative test progression to give myself piece of mind that I at least wasn’t pregnant anymore and I needed closure, and then I wanted to make sure I never got pregnant again so i bought a bunch of cheap tests to keep on hand to give myself peace of mind. I had irregular period after the abortion in September and didn’t get my first period after the abortion until November 9th. I’ve been testing this week because I was expecting my period in the next 7 days and since I knew it was possible to have another irregular period. However, I got a positive test today. I really am so so confused we never had a condom break, and we rarely had sex at all. I avoided having sex during my suspected fertile week and I kept track of my CM and my symptoms and avoided having sex for a few days during this time and I just don’t know what to do. my friends know about the abortion and my boyfriend said he doesn’t want a baby right now and i haven’t told him about the test for this reason. We lost two babies this year and I get that one of them was my fault but my boyfriends mom backed me into a corner and emotionally abused me over text telling me we can’t afford it and that we’re not ready and that he was going to leave me and we’d break up and then it got to the point where she said i would be a shitty mom and that i’m stupid and i should leave my boyfriend before he left me and told me if i didn’t get an abortion i was going to ruin 3 peoples lives and that she would never be there for my boyfriend or for me or her grandchild. I didn’t know what to do, I was sick because of Hyperemisis, I got fired from my job illegally because of my pregnancy related condition keeping me out of work, and I was getting texts from his mom all day for weeks telling me all of these horrible things and he told me to ignore her and we’d do whatever I wanted to do and that he would support me and our family no matter what and he told me to block her everyday because he was concerned about me. I booked the appointment because of her cornering me and manipulating me. I was so depressed I was becoming suicidal so I went to the abortion appointment I made and the experience was so awful and I honestly was internally fighting myself the whole time and I had a panic attack and I don’t know why I went through with it. But now I don’t know what to do. I’m so depressed still. I was avoiding this so much and I’ve been waiting a month to get my birth control pills again because I was trying to find a different one because I had issues with it before and I just got insurance again after not having it. I don’t know what to do I feel like so wouldn’t be a good mom right now but I don’t think I can go through the pain of another abortion . I feel like an evil person and I have so much guilt and I’m terrified of judgement if I want to keep it. I am terrified of failure and being a bad mom and being left like his mom said he would even though that’s not who he is and i know he’s not that person she made him out to be because i know him and love him and we’ve been together for years. I just need some advice. I’m the saddest i have ever been and this is such a hard decision. I feel like an evil woman even though I spent everyday anxiously avoiding this happening before i was ready. I was about to add another layer of birth control too to prevent it furthers I am feeling like a failure of a girlfriend and a failure of a woman and human. any advice would be appreciated.