I feel so much heartbreak right now and I feel like I gave up a great relationship because I am too selfish.

We both grew up with trauma. He ended up in the military. I ended up in an abusive relationship. Both four years. We met only three months after my escape. My abuser found me and used a weapon to go with him but I was able to escape. Afterward, I tried to act like everything was normal, and we got together. Thinking of those days when there was love between us makes my stomach ache and my heart sink. Because of his childhood and joining the military he was very emotionally unavailable. I am an extremely sensitive and emotional person. He did and still does have a problem almost six years later with alcohol, he drinks every day unless he’s trying to prove a point. He can then go weeks but does go through withdrawals and gets extremely agitated. He admits there’s a problem but doesn’t care and will not consider becoming sober. There was also a porn addiction on his end for the first couple years we were together. It was pretty devastating. If I tried to flirt, he would shut me down, if I send pictures or asked if he wanted videos he would say no, if I said I was horny he would ask why. Never complimented me, never called me hot or sexy. He watch videos of girls twerking/masturbating/porn/leggings videos/normal stuff/worse stuff I would say every waking hour. I found his searches and for every month I found it was every hour he was awake. He did a lot of stuff behind my back, with live stuff, and apps. A lot of lying and betrayals though nothing physical. It also led to ed and he would go soft while having sex with me because I wasn’t porn. It messed me up badly and actually created new trauma and I do struggle daily because of some of the things that happened. After we broke up, he said all that stopped, but I guess I still held resentment. I did start losing my patience when yet another lie was told and would start to lose my temper. During all this time, I was struggling with trauma from before the relationship and now in my current one as well. I was severely depressed and also struggling with an eating disorder. He was never very supportive emotionally, got upset when I’d flinch, saying it made him feel like an abuser. He is not very respectful when it comes to my past trauma or my eating disorder. I also found out I am bipolar 2, which contributed to my extreme depression and then for a few days-a week very high energy and threw a lot of caution to the wind because it felt like I was drunk without being drunk. It helped pin point why I was so extremely irritable and sensitive as well. Now that I’m on medication, I still lose my cool sometimes, but it’s more snappy and I haven’t yelled since. I’m so incredibly hurt by our past that the wedge just grew deeper and deeper. He said he would only be there for me financially. Wouldn’t go to couples counseling. Said I get what I get. I tried too hard to get him to be there for me emotionally and it drove him away. I wanted him to not be so blunt with me it was always slight annoyed , be patient with me, consider my feelings like just hear me out. I wanted him to be sweet with me and flirt with me. He hated my feelings. If I brought up how I felt about anything he’d get so pissed it would cause on argument. I would get upset because I just wanted to be heard. I wanted to communicate so I could move past the hurt of the addiction but it never happened and I just never regained trust. He lied a lot. I know how bad this sounds so why do I want nothing more than for him to say he wants me? He hates me now. Hates everything about me. Says he can’t stand me, wants to move on, and restart again. Why do I feel like I ruined a potentially fantastic relationship? He said I was too needy, too sensitive. too emotional, too crazy, and too much. Maybe if I just didn’t ask for so much he would still be here and I would have been able to learn to not be so selfish. Maybe I didn’t see the good because I was too busy focusing on the bad. There were times he was sweet. He bought me plants and food when I would eat it. He would bring me Starbucks. He would sometimes say what I was wearing looked nice. Maybe I wasn’t patient enough because he said he’s so shut down and blunt and non emotional because of his childhood. I asked so many times to go to couples counseling. I’m just very sad and now I’m just extremely fucked up and alone and my house is too quiet.