It’s really hard for me to talk about this but a few years ago I had tried to get pregnant with my (now) ex

We had agreed we were ready and we were actively trying. We were both buying tests in bulk

And I fell into this dark ass depression a month in. NOT because I didn’t get pregnant (I didn’t) but because I wanted to stop TTC. It wasn’t the baby I was worried about. I started really freaking out bad about getting pregnant, like reallly bad… abnormal bad.

I would cry because I was scared it was too late. I wanted to stop and tell him but i felt crazy? I felt stupid. NOBODY else goes through that or feels that way? They WELCOME pregnancy and some women fight like hell for it. The feelings I felt during this time were extremely bad and dark, and they didn’t get better until I decided to stop.

I was over here making an appointment to get back on birth control. I simply just told him I changed my mind. He was upset but, I guess that’s fine as we eventually ended the relationship for different reasons.

I cannot explain to you how emotionally bad I felt when I thought about physically going through pregnancy and I still don’t know if I’ll ever want that. Something about it just really freaks me out bad and I didn’t even know that until pregnancy was a very real possibility. I even went and upped the anti and gave up the pill for an IUD to have a better chance of not getting pregnant on ACCIDENT. I couldn’t breathe until I got my IUD. I sincerely think it’s because if I do get pregnant, I lose control of whatever happens to me physically or with my health. The idea of my body drastically changing and me just having to endure that makes me feel out of control. I thought it was just because I was 22. I’m 26 now and feel the exact same. I have a past with an eating disorder and it was about control. If I wasn’t in control of my body I felt out of control of my life. I really struggled with that, and I don’t know if this relates to that.

Please like, try to be gentle. This is really hard for me to talk about and I’m trying to find anyone who relates. I want the child, not the pregnancy.