I’ve has six miscarriages over the last several years. Three of them were early like 6-8 weeks so they didn’t hurt as bad in terms of loss. But I’ve had 3 in the last year. Last year in 2021 I found out I was pregnant and made it to 12 weeks in December before I lost him the evening of Christmas Day. I had gone to the doctors appt on the 23 when they told me it wasn’t going to make it and I would be losing my baby any day now.

It was like once my mind knew, my body followed and I had the bloodiest miscarriage up until New Years. It wasn’t a great start to the new year as this was the first time I’d make it this far. Then I had two more early miscarriages in March and May and the doctors couldn’t tell me why or what was happening. They kept telling me my hashmiotos thing wasn’t why my pregnancies weren’t going through.

Then I miraculously got pregnant in July. Right when I stopped trying to hard to have a baby and decided to use my bachelors to go back to work in the educational field.

The same day they told me I got the job I found out I was pregnant. I was excited, worried, guilty, and losing my mind over the loss of control. And I held onto the anxiety, despite how happy I was, through the whole pregnancy, just waiting for shit to hit the fan.

15 weeks of bliss. Of knowing I had life growing in me. Of pretending I could have a happy regular pregnancy and enjoy talking about it with people. Then I got the call that my blood test came back with a chromosomal abnormality and the baby had trisomy 21 (Down syndrome).

It turned my world upside down because despite working in a SPED classroom I’ve never met someone with Down Syndrome and I wanted to know everything! (I know now that it’s not as scary as the doctors made it sound, children with DS can be very happy and live good lives even when factoring in severity, etc).

Then a few weeks later I started leaking what I thought was pee. And what I later discovered what my mucus plug coming out that we didn’t piece together til I was in the hospital.

And despite all my fears of getting this far in this pregnancy, and the news, I still willed myself to stay positive. To make the best of this beautiful baby boy. And announced it to our family and friends in a really fun Halloween announcement where we made the cauldron bubble blue and told them we were having a baby and it’s a boy!

All of that excitement lasted for a week until my water officials broke at 6am November 5th. My amniotic sac popped out while I was going to the bathroom. All that “pee” was my water broken and slowly leaking.

I’m sorry I was trying to make this short because who wants to read something this long and sad??

Long story short, I went into shock, called 991, they took me to the local hospital who didn’t help me at all so I asked to be transferred to Kaiser down the hill, where they drugged me up and help me deliver my baby at 20 weeks.

He was perfect and you couldn’t even tell he had DS which was all more confusing but weirdly comforting to see. He looked normal in every good sense of the word. But he was gone and passed away.

And now after my dnc, doctor appts, talk of fertility treatments in the future, I can’t seem to move forward without feeling like I’m forgetting him. And I’ve lost ALOT of people and babies in my life, death is nothing new.

So why can’t I move forward like I need to and honor his memory (Simon) and work through the trauma like before?

Why am I so afraid of sex and getting pregnant again when that’s all I want?

I know the obvious answers but I can’t get my body to process and move forward with me and it’s been almost 8 weeks.

I know how trauma and depression work. I know I’m not giving myself enough time and need to be patient.

But please, has anyone else gone through it like this??

I miss him so much and I do want to try again in the future but after 2 months having sex is so difficult because I’m afraid of getting pregnant and then I can’t enjoy it.

I’ve talked to my hubs about my feelings, I do CBT, I try my best to be present, aware and mindful so why the f—- don’t I feel better. Because I need to give it more time.