Is it normal to become angry after dealing with 12 years of abuse from your husband?

I have went through a lot with him. I remember he threw me down on the floor and my tooth went through my lip and I had to get 12 stitches. This happened in 2016.

I know it was a while ago but it still bothers me and when I bring it up to him he says it was a long time ago and to get over it basically.

There were plenty more assaults over the years that left scars on my body and inside of my heart 😢

The most recent incident was 3 months ago when he kicked me in my stomach because I tried to get my keys from him. I didn't even touch the keys because I took two steps towards him and wham he kicked me in my stomach with his size 16 shoe. I thought I was going to bleed internally with how much pain I was in.

Idk why I'm so brain washed and I feel so alone because I have no friends to vent too or run too about what I have been through and the impact it has had on my mental health.

I cry at the thoughts of him hurting me and then take the same mouth and say he loves me and have sex with me and says he's sorry. It's always so dry and he hates when I bring up any physical attacks he did to me. He damaged every house I lived in.... he always blames me and says I'm too verbally aggressive and yell so he has to put hands on me.

it's like he expects me to still be so in love with him.

and I feel like I hate him.

I feel like it's my fault because I kept going back and letting him think this is what I like this is what I am.

I find myself so angry and sometimes thoughts of not being here. I have no confidence in myself or if I am worth anything

I sometimes cry to God why? Is it me? Am I worthless. What did I do to deserve someone that I love to do some of the most awful things that you can never imagine to a human being

I feel like I am a failure in life because this isn't fair that I endured so much pain and misery.

When he's not abusive he's a totally different person. Like night and day.

I am 36 so who will want me after him? I'm no good anymore 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭