I’m experiencing some major anxiety over my husbands return from deployment in the near future..I’ve seriously started to make a life for myself independently, and I’m afraid of how that will change when he gets back. There were so many messes that I’ve had to clean up immediately after he left, which were a result of his neglect from months beforehand. Things he would never let me deal with, but he on the other hand wouldn’t deal with them either. And these were things I’d begged him to take care of months before… that and I was nearly left with no working car. I had to have family drive for hours to me to help out. So after initially feeling like a mess after his departure, I eventually found a healthy balanced life for myself. That was something I struggled to find when he was here. I was the only one who ever made an effort to keep things functional at home, so it’s been like a healing process for myself since I’ve finally found strength in my independence.

I’m just scared of losing it. I moved straight from my family to marriage, so I’ve never had a real chance to know who I am on my own. I don’t think I have it in me to once again take care of myself and someone who never kept up with things like they should’ve. And this is someone who’s never helped cook a dinner, do dishes, fold the laundry or take out the trash. I just don’t have it in me to compromise my life like that anymore. The mental load it requires to play “mother” in a marriage is draining. To the point where I don’t even feel like myself anymore. The scary part is it got to a point where I didn’t know any different for a while, and it felt normal. Until I finally got the mental space when he left. I can’t even stand the thought of sex. I don’t want to be touched or give something I know will be expected once the dust settles after his return. I’ve been enjoying my physical independence.

To be clear, he’s not on a combat deployment. I don’t want him to be in harms way, and of course I want the best for him. I just don’t feel the same way about our marriage anymore.