Husband ruined my life

Sometimes I wish I had never met him. I’ve loved him for 10 years but he seemed to only bring me more pain than love. Ever since the birth of our second child (unplanned) only wanted one due to a severe hospital birth trauma, the second time was just as traumatic but unlike the first, I found out that it could’ve been prevented. Because he wasn’t there..he was overseas working but on the day when i was admitted to the hospital he was out enjoying the time of his life on the last day of his work trip. He didn’t contact me due to the time difference and he wanted to enjoy himself, on the other end, I laboured alone for 2 days fearing I’ll get another cesarean, then I did it. Had my placenta ripped out of me and thrown away without my consent. Didn’t get to do delaying cord clamping because they didn’t give me a choice. I was all alone and had nobody to speak up for me while the pain overwhelms me. I still remember really worried about the fees as I had been admitted earlier and as a stay at home mom, I worried that he had to pay more for my stay in the hospital. So I requested to go home early and went home the next day….all alone.

Then it came the day where I found out that he could’ve been there, thanks to a friend/colleague of his that said something along the line of choosing to not go for the trip to focus on his studies. So I asked him about it. Like could he have chosen not to go. He said no, then he said he’s not in good terms with his supervisor, and then he said maybe he can say no to the trip, and then he said that he did not want to trouble his coworkers to find a replacement for him . He even told me that he didn’t think he needed to be there for the birth. He didn’t think it was important and that he did everything right during the pregnancy. But i don’t think he did? When i was pregnant other than paying the medical bills and caring more for our firstborn he did almost nothing for me. 10 years he went from an absolute asshole to a dude that sort of gives a shit but couldn’t even give me the bare minimum. No flowers no nothing. I could count with my fingers the things he give me in 10 years of our relationship and the fucks he give about me. But I stayed because I was stupid. But this experience woke me up. But it seemed way too late to turn my life around. Somedays I fucking hate him. But somedays I feel fine and I love him? I don’t know. I just hate my life. I’ll never recover from this.