Alone.

I have a husband. He is a good man. He works hard. He is loving. He is faithful. He has a stressful job and needs alone time. Our time together is a game or too every other week. Maybe small talk, nothing ever with much connection or depth, and I can't blame him because what do I have to add to the conversation.

I have two kids. One is two, and the other is five. I try to get the energy and the motivation to play with them. I talk to them. I'm not a perfect mom.

I'm an orphan. Neither of my parents are dead by I haven't had contact with them in over 10 years. The individuals who did raise me, my grandparents, great grandparents, a cousin, they're  dead, dead, and an abusive narcissist who when between saying "I feel anxious every time I talk to you. I swear I'm having a heart attack. I would prefer no to hear from you. I feel better when I don't", "I go back to the days when you moved in. I had a 14 year old. I was ecstatic. I miss the times we had together, laughter, tears.", "I know I'm not your mom, but you'll always be my little girl.", and "I'm really okay with never seeing you again." So no family members besides those in my own home.

My husband has siblings and a mother and step father. Mother-in-law blames me for taking her son away. (Usuall in law boundry problems).  Siblings and I are friendly, but not close, in distance or connection.

I've started crying. Multiple times a week. At least three times. I don't work since I'm a stay at home mom. In our area daycare is so expensive and those with Master degrees only make $15 an hour, it doesn't pay to go back to work, in fact it would cost us more.

I don't know what to do.