I don't know if I can hold it together

Me and my family are traveling this evening to attend my son's father's funeral tomorrow. My husband and our kids and newborn are gonna stay in the hotel while me and my son go to the funeral. I haven't been super great to my son after he moved in after seeing his dad killed and I've been trying to change that. I even had a talk and explained to him I'm sorry for how I've acted. And I did a lot of thinking because my son lived with his dad since he was two and I saw him mainly on weekends and summer and holidays. I found out his dad was battling drugs addiction and when he was own drugs he would abuse our son. Which is why he got sober and him getting sober to stop does mean he must have loved our son right? Him telling tucking our son into bed and telling him to stay in the room no matter which means he loved him. I guess I was really hung up on the fact that my baby was being abused but it's still his dad. And that's still the father of my kid and it's really sinking in that he's gone. Me and my son talked about his dad all night and he said his dad would always feel extremely guilty when he was sober and take him to get him something to make up for the abuse. I did take a different approach and say that his dad got sober because he knew abusing him was wrong and that abuse is wrong and he took that better than me vilianizing his dad. We even made a plan for his bedwetting and to show I'm sorry for shaming him I've been taking care of the sheets and telling him to go back to bed. I want to support tomorrow and be strong for him. I don't want him to see me cry. He needs a strong mom right now that he lost his dad, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn't struggling. I feel like I'm gonna break at that funeral and he needs me to be strong for him. I think they're doing open casket and I really don't want to cry.