Just a blue moment.

I should be entering my 13th week. I should be getting giddy to find out if I’m having a boy or girl. I should be starting to experience movement and I should have heard their heartbeat a million times by now. But instead I’m on my second cycle since the miscarriage.

I shouldn’t be so sad about it. It was an unplanned pregnancy. I have a one year old daughter. But we wanted it. It made us realise how much we wanted baby number two so soon. I’m so upset that even after a successful baby, I still need help to keep a pregnancy viable. I’m so upset my body couldn’t just be normal and work properly to keep the unexpected but wanted baby. Im upset that I need help to have a pregnancy and I can’t just do it by ourselves. I didn’t think I would struggle with first AND secondary infertility. I didn’t want to have a SECOND rainbow baby. Why couldn’t one double rainbow be enough? Why do all my children need to be after losing another child?

I don’t know if you guys would understand some of this thinking so I’m sorry, I’m just emotional on this period and watched my cousin do his gender reveal and it triggered me a little and I needed a vent. Thank you for reading.