I regret everything about my life ( long)

I’m not sure where to start… I come from an abusive background as a child and became homeless as a teen and and pregnant at 18/ single mother 19. I’ve always prided myself on being able to take care of myself and not needing anyone but I had to be on government assistance for years because of the circumstances I was in and had suffered a major stroke at 22.

Towards the end of 2016-2017 I had spent a long time building myself up to be the most confident and most motivated I’d ever been and was working with people to find a way to go to school to get my personal trainer’s certification as fitness had really helped me in my journey. In that time I had dated someone for a few months and then we broke up and just became best friends for years.

I was getting a lot of outside feedback from people all the time about how I was too picky, too shallow or I would get lonely eventually, my daughter needed a real family. I’ve never wanted to be a family woman, a house wife, a wife or even mother in general and was always pretty confident that I could be happy just me and my daughter. I worked really hard to get to the place I was… anyways… during 2017 my insecure brain kept listening to what people were saying and I’d convinced myself something was wrong with me and other people looked happy so I should want those things too.

This best friend and I started dating again and then things moved very quickly from there. At that point I had committed myself to the situation. I’m the midst of it I found out he’d be lying about his past for years and I took it really hard as honesty is #1 for me and I had always been fully myself with him.

Despite my lack of trust and my insecurities I kept telling myself I was being too harsh, I was being too picky and I made a commitment.

We moved in together and almost immediately I got into a car accident that would change every aspect of my life. Hit with PTSD and permanent injuries and chronic pain my dreams and hard work of being a trainer were dead. I was dead. As a person I died that day. I then got pregnant ( surprise) and then had a very drawn out king miscarriage within months of the accident and then I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. My anxiety and depression got so bad I couldn’t leave the house, couldn’t socialize, couldn’t exercise, could barely drive my car. I just stopped being a person and it only got worse form there. We ended up getting a dog that could hopefully help me and be a companion but ended up being anxious and connecting to my husband and giving me more anxiety and is just a burden on my life everyday.

Fast forward 6 years I’ve been living like this. I’ve been trying everything I can to “ fix”

Myself and nothing has worked… my body dysmorphia has gotten so bad because I just don’t recognize myself anymore. I keep making wrong decisions because it’s what I think you’re supposed to do. I am 7 months expecting now and I have spent the day 7 months feeling nothing but utter regret. It was another decision made for the sake of others/feeling pressured and I’m

More miserable than ever. I can’t look at myself, I feel disgusting and embarrassed by the way I look and can barely bathe or change.

I find myself waking up everyday depressed I woke up. Wishing every day that I could turn back time and just be myself again. I feel no connection to the people or animals around me or inside me and just Wish I could leave and live someone where in complete isolation. I can’t believe I made such wrong decisions. I knew within myself I wasn’t meant for this life and I feel like since I made the decision the universe has just reminded me of that everyday, but now I’m too fucked up to do anything for myself. I can’t work

Like this, I have almost no physical or financial stability and my mental function is hanging on by a thread . I don’t know why I’m writing this… everyone will just say go to therapy ( which I’ve tried) I guess I just feel so utterly alone and worthless and hopeless and regretful and am hoping someone can resonate or give helpful advice or just listen.