I need to talk to someone but have no money for therapy.

I don’t know what to do. I want to help myself. I don’t want to go to a therapist. I want to help my own self love on my own. How do I have self love? I’m confident in my own body but I’m not confident in ANY relationship I get in. I don’t want to think of myself like this but I’m a narcissists, gaslighting and I have toxics traits. I don’t want to be like this!!! Why am I like this??? I question myself and don’t know the answer!!! I cry myself to sleep hoping to be a nicer person to my partner. I don’t have depression. I get annoyed so easily at my partner. I can’t let go of the past mistakes he has done. It’s gonna be 4 years and I still feel insecure about this relationship. Idk what to do?