So I had a really rough youth.

I don't really remember my childhood, but I do know that I was always thinking that I could be as good as any boy. asif I had something to prove.

I was left quite free, neglected almost.

I was allowed free access to computers and was often found in chatboxes.

I feel like, looking back, that I was already filling a hole there.

It's something that ends up returning on and off in my life. I wasn't connecting with my family. I did have a few friends in school but was not allowed to see them after school. only to be ignored in our home. If I wasn't ignored I was being beaten up by my brother (my mom approved of his beatings) so that lead to me being more involved in online community.When I was between the ages of 9 and 15 I connected with 3 pedophiles. 2 I ended up blocking eventually, the 3rd somehow got such a hold of my life; He had real IT skills, access to my laptop etc. I had never given him my phone number but somehow he was able to call my friend with my phone number while my phone was on in my pocket etc.. It was so weird. My friend was a boy and this pedophile guy had told him that he was my dad and that he should stay away from me. Eventually when I'd had enough I gathered all the evidence I could find (MSN gathered all that data back in the day. I was making backups of everything, conversation history but also every IP address he ever used) I went to the police with it. He was arrested and sued, but I never went to the lawsuit, I wanted to leave it behind me (also I didn't want to hear the verdict or see this guy. The police officer who interrogated me also made inappropriate comments like "Well I must admit you do look naughty to me" and pedophiles aren't nearly getting enough time as they deserve. Last week a guy got 5 years probation for molesting his 1 day old daughter and he had a record of molesting his step children before, So it's well known that they are wayy too lacks. I just didn't want to hear it). Some girl contacted me. Told me how grateful she was, because thanks to my information he was caught and there were several other kids. We didn't keep contact.

I just didn't want to know.

Because I was a minor, my mom was told by the police. My mom called me a slut for everything that had happened to me. I was a bad person according to her.

I felt lonelier than ever. I was constantly scared and didn't have much friends because I was so paranoid that this IT pedophile would have shared naked images or whatever with my class or schoolmates, which he had threatened to do several times if I didn't do what he told me to. I was bullied and some kids told me they wanted me to die. I was being beathen by my brother, these kids I went to school with, they told him they hoped he'd beat me to death.

So I did what I always did. I went back to the online community.

I had my first boyfriend, who I'd met online, had my first sex not long after. We broke up, I made a new boyfriend.. between relationships I had sex with guys I barely knew. - mind you this is when I'm 15-16 years old - I was always with boyfriends or having sex. But I was so lonely, I had no support from my family and didn't have quality friends.

I was getting daily beatings, my mom didn't care about me being beaten, I tried to run away from home several times but that didn't work. I went to the police for domestic violence several times but they'd call my mom and my mom told them I was lying. My dad's girlfriend didn't want me living with them so I couldn't live with my dad. They only had 1 bathroom and she didn't want to share her bathroom with me. I went to the school counselor in 3 different schools I attended and they'd just have a conversation with my mom. Nothing was done to help me. When I was 17, I had my first long term relationship and we were together for 2 years. I didn't love him, but my mom approved of him because he was smart and good in school. I wanted the approval of my mom so bad, I just wanted her to like me tbh. Truth was that I never even liked this guy's personality, we were definitely not a match. But I stuck it out for a while and I eventually did cheat on him with someone I had very strong feelings for. It was proof for me that the relationship needed to end and I ended it. I never got with that guy I had strong feelings for even though I still feel this way. By the time I was 18, I was living by myself, still going to school and making rent and taking care of myself. Still connecting with people online via IRC. I am now 29. I'll be 30 soon. I have been in a 9 years abusive relationship with a guy who is 15 years my senior who I've met when I was 21 and I'm wanting to leave.

I am getting there finally. I have a few really good friends, I have found my worth, I am finding my value. I am starting to recognize that I am worthwhile. That I can be a whole person and that I can unapologetically be myself. What is bursting through my mind the last couple of days is this wholesome phrase "I am enough" That I never really understood until now.

When my partner isn't at home, I am alone, but I am no longer lonely.

I am no longer seeking attention or needing someone's validations.

I still have a long way of healing to go. But I can see a future where I'm happy. and it's right within arm's length.

But with being alone, but not lonely, comes the realization and the flashbacks of my life. How damaged and how deep I've been when I was still so young. How I dealt with so much more than just teen drama.. at such a young age.

I don't regret having the random sex I had. I don't regret the boyfriends.. I mean.. I could have been doing drugs 🤷‍♀️ I had sex and did that very safely. And it's too late to be angry at the people who should have supported me.

I need to let it go. But I do have to live with my past. And I can have peace with it. I just feel sorry for my younger me to have been through all of that. But it's made me who I am today. And I like who I am becoming.